When you are a woman with trust issues

It Took Me Over 20 Years To Actually Trust Women

Unfortunately, it is true that women can be judgmental towards each other. And like most women, I had to witness it since my early childhood.


People always asked me growing up why I had a lot of guy friends than girl friends. Most of the time my reply would be "I don't know." or "I just get along better with boys." It was not until college when I discovered the hard truth about myself. I realized that most of my emotional abuse came mainly from women I had encountered in life. It was women who drove me to the point of me thinking about suicide, and it was women who instilled fear and insecurities within me.

I remembered hearing that question from my own mother "do you know how fat you are?" when I was growing up. Looking back at my old pictures I realized that I was not really the fat kid that I was portrayed as. It brought nothing but resentment but later I could not help but forgive her.

Later on, when I was in my junior year of college, I remembered being home on Easter break and my mom just making me feel bad for whatever reason, even using a close friend of mine as a reason that no one would like me. Mind you it had been over a month since I got out of the psychiatric ward, and also been a month since I last binge drank. After that incident, I felt completely worthless and began to experience suicidal thoughts again, and our relationship was bad for a while

The worst friendship with a female I had started back in high school. She was actually the first narcissistic person I had ever encountered. The cycle of emotional abuse is a long one to tell but to sum everything up, I would do a lot for her such as helping with her classes, projects, etc but when I needed her to do stuff for me she was barely available. Any time I tried to confront her about certain things or even gave her a chance to admit to things that I knew she done she would end up making it to where everything was my fault.

It came to a point where I had bad anxiety along with anger, but because of my willingness to give people chances, it wasn't till years later when I was able to cut off contact with her.

When it came to my sexuality, I was slut shamed so bad by a woman I considered a mother figure to me. I lived with her during the time that my mom was sick and couldn't take care of me. for a while, I thought everything was good between me and her until senior year. I remembered her telling the whole house that I was a promiscuous person and there was also a time when she just made me cry because of what she had thought about me.

Along those lines, she even told me that if I were to get an STD I would not have a home, just because she thought that STDs can be caught if other girls who I lived with shared the same bathroom as me. To top it all off, she thought that just because I was Asian I was considered meek.

The last experience impacted me throughout college. Many people who know me or just my pain will say "you don't have to explain." but I will for the sake of this article. The truth was I lost my virginity at 17 with a guy I been with for a year, and he was the only guy I was sexually involved with up until I was 18. Yes, I was involved with two other people with consent at 18 but didn't start putting myself completely out there until freshman year of college.

Although I had to realize that women were the main ones who had hurt me throughout my life, I decided that I will never let all of that affect how I view other women in general. I realized that there were times when I did meet and befriended other women who were supportive of me and showed nothing but love, and for those women, I appreciate them and will never forget them. The experiences I had faced taught me to forgive and move on.

Yes, I could be bitter, but what good would it do since I am a woman myself. The only thing being bitter towards other women would do is repeat the cycle of women putting down other women.

I write this article in hopes that my experience can bring awareness on how looking down on our girls, and women can affect all of us, and one day we as women can do and be better.

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To My Best Friend Who Doesn’t Know How Strong She Is

Always better together.

To the one I know I will always have by my side,

First off, thank you. Thanks for dealing with all my shit: my mess, drama, tears, and weirdness. There are so many reasons why you are my best friend; you are funny, amazing, kind and unbelievably supportive. I am beyond lucky to have someone that gets me and has been there with me through the best of times and the worst of times.

You are strong.

Life is difficult; I think we have both realized that by now. Whether you believe me or not you are kicking everything being thrown at you in the ass. You have been through everything and more and have always come out of it a stronger, and better person. You are never alone and you know that; we have been there for each other for years and that will never end.

You are special.

I have never met anyone with a bigger heart than you; you sympathize with anyone that comes to you for advice. You take things to heart and look at the world in a unique and beautiful way. You appreciate the little things in life, watching Dance movies with your mom, a late night snack at Taco Bell, driving with the top down and dancing like no one is watching.

You are beautiful.

You are way more beautiful than you think. You've got softness to you that is calming, a smile that is contagious, and a gorgeous girl with so much to offer. You are filled with love and compassion, an amazing writer, dancer and overall an amazing and beautiful person.

You can get through anything.

I know you are going through a hard time right now, but look at how far you've come. You have gone through way worse and you will get through this just like you have in the past. You will become even more powerful than you already are. You are experienced and that's part of what makes me love you so much. We have gone through a lot together and we know that whatever life throws at us we can handle it.

I am always here.

Your hardship is my hardship, but keep your head up high just like I know you can. You have so much love in your life, from your family, your friends and me. I love you, I have never had a friend like you and I am so grateful every day because of it. You are going to get through this. You are going to get through it because you are, powerful, you are beautiful and you are strong.

~Written with love and appreciation for the most amazing friend I could ever ask for~

Cover Image Credit: Sarah Richman

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How To Cope With A Best Friend Breakup

Breaking up with a boyfriend is one thing, but breaking up with your best friend is a whole new level of heartbreak.


We all know breakups can be tough, but when that breakup happens to be between you and your best friend, things reach a new level of heartbreak. I met my best friend junior year of high school after our Spanish teacher randomly assigned us to be partners; we struggled so much in that class but in the end, we truly became inseparable. When senior year rolled around we were still close as ever; people would often joke that we were sisters because we looked and acted so much alike. We would go on little dates together, go to parties together, and were always the first person we called when something "major happened."

When my best friend's boyfriend of four years cheated on her while we were spring breaking in Europe, it became my duty to make her feel better; I would randomly drop off flowers and little notes to her house, spend countless hours just listening to her cry and vent, and even stopped talking to people associated with her boyfriend so as to show my "support." All of these things were no big deal to me considering I loved this girl like a sister; whatever she needed I was there to give that to her.

Things soon took a sharp turn when we entered not only the same college but the same sorority. While I was struggling with the social aspect of FSU, my best friend soon found new best friends. When I started having major issues with my boyfriend, I would automatically text/call my best friend as she did with me, but instead of support, I got the sense that she was passive and uninterested. Our little dates and goofy inside jokes disappeared and reappeared between her and her new friends, and my comfortableness around her soon turned into insecurity.

Coming to terms with the fact that the girl I knew everything about is now basically a stranger was a hard one to overcome; I didn't want to accept the fact that my best friend decided it was time to find new ones. It's heartbreaking knowing that the special things you shared with a person are now being shared with others, and it's hard to accept the fact that you aren't wanted or needed by the one person you thought would be by your side forever.

Since school has ended I think I have accepted the fact that we're no longer what we used to be. Of course, it still stings when I see social media posts with her new, college friends, but I just have to remind myself that this is part of life and I just have to move on. I will forever cherish the memories I made with her, but it's time to acknowledge that they were made with someone in my past, not with someone in my present.

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