I started growing my hair out in June of last year, which means I had actual long hair by March of this year, which means my hair was finally long after long hair had peaked. You probably remember, but long hair was out of control for a while. The man bun was the hairstyle that launched a thousand think pieces--honestly, maybe a thousand on the gendered nature of the name alone. At man bun culture's worst, a picture went viral showing a gauged and bearded hipster sporting a tiny fedora perched on his bun. My hair was un-bunable at this point, and as my hair got longer, having long hair got less cool. The friends that I entered a consequence-less hair pact with all cut their hair (save one: shout out to Baylor Smith), and I've seen head after head trimmed from Sampson majesty to Mackle-mortified.
When my friends and I made the pact last year, the goal was to grow our hair out for two years. Which means, I have a year left until scissors touch my head. The end is not in sight.
But, with more than a year under my belt, I feel qualified to analyze the despair of the man bun. Here are the five worst things about having long hair:
1. People Think You're A Girl
Well, people don't think I'm a girl. My girlfriend's coworker recently asked her, after I dropped her off at work after some lunch-time errands, "Who is that mountain of a man?" People don't think I'm a girl, unless they think I'm Brienne of Tarth.
But this happens to some guys. After sitting behind him for an entire class period, I got up to leave, and realized that my then long-haired friend Cullin was going on the same trip to Cambodia as I was. I was very sure he was a tall awkward girl until that point.
(BTW, being a girl is not a bad thing. I use "worst" pretty dubiously throughout this entire article).
2. Long Hair Is Really Hot
Martin Luther King, Jr. once described Mississippi as a state "sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression." Cambodia is a country sweltering with the heat of actual heat. I double-bunned my hair--which looked stupider than the stupid way it looks right now in your imagination--for almost the entirety of the three-week trip. Even now, back in the temperate climate of Jackson, Michigan I have to bun my hair or face the consequences. The most frequent consequence is punching in at work in the morning looking like I just came from the gym.
3. It Gets In Your Face
Long hair has made me an angrier person. I wanna throw chairs before I get the hair tie in in the morning.
4.It Gets In Your Mouth
It's as gross and sheep doggy as it sounds. Girls know. Long-haired guys know. Flop short-haired guys.
5. Long Hair Is A Marathon, Not A Sprint
I started the long hair journey dreaming of looking like a late 60's/early 70's Beatle; like George Harrison in a denim suit, hair past his shoulder blades, state trooper mustache neatly trimed. That was the dream. You get there if you stick with it. My sucker friends missed out on looking like a Dothraki prince. You trim early and you become post-puberty Rickon Stark. You've been warned.
For all the problems that come with long hair, I would rather have hella locks than be a *Trump voice; Trump very-picky-crab hand gestures* bald-headed loser.
