There’s nothing like the advent of summertime to bring out my warm-weather insecurities. You know what I’m talking about -- those things that you completely forget about when you’re drowning in a sweater in the dead of winter, sipping your third whole-milk latte in two days, but that you care about when you’re laying out by a pool (I’m talking about abs here, people).
I’ve come up with a theory that the things that are contributing the most to my summer insecurities are not the sunshine or the swimsuits, but the phrases that those Millennials and Gen-Xers like to toss around, once the sunroofs open up and teen girls start to take artsy Instagram shots from the backseat. These are the things that remind me that, although I am a mere 21 years of age, I have already become hopelessly unable to relate to the teen scene 2k16.
Here are the Top Three Phrases That Don’t Apply to Me But That I Wish Did, in no particular order:
1. Long hair, don't care.
I haven’t had long hair since 2013, when my locks were down to my belly button and resembled a dead opossum. I don’t see long hair in my foreseeable future. Does that mean I have to care about things, though? Since my hair is short? I just want to be a cool, beach-y babe who does nothing but exist and laugh candidly and casually have it all on camera, but I do care. I care about a lot of things. For example, this morning I ate expired hummus by accident. I was two bites deep into my salad before I realized that something was awry, and I’ve been paranoid about it all day. It’s only a matter of time before I turn into a mutant.
2. Young, wild and free.
Although I may be “young” by some standards, AKA anybody who is older than me and out of college and #annoyed that I still have a whole year left of carefree fun (this is not true, see above phrase that doesn’t apply to me), I am not the epitome of young. I would pin that at about 16. “Wild” is where we really see some strong deviation. I am a domestic human, raised in the Chicago suburbs. There were some trees and lakes, but they were maintained by lawn services and only home to your typical squirrels and deer. I eat from plates, usually, and have trained myself to wear shoes in public. Don’t even get me started with “free.” You should see how much it costs to keep me alive for a week. Ya girl can rack up a grocery bill.
3. On fleek.
First of all, where did this phrase even come from? I know that “Feelin’ Myself” by Nicki Minaj was not the first place it showed up. I am confused. Why would we need another phrase for “on point?” That one was already annoying enough! My eyebrows are not “on fleek.” They are blonde and seem to slowly disappear as time goes on, I’ve never gotten the scary pointy manicure so my nails will never be on the fleek either, and I’m not really sure about my clothes. Can overalls be on fleek? I’m assuming the answer is no. Fleek reminds me of leek, which is nothing more than a commonly forgotten vegetable.
There you have it. I am neither “on fleek” nor “young, wild, and free” and have short-to-medium-length hair and am cursed with a caring heart. I wonder if relevance stops here, or if I have a chance at the good life once again, just in other areas of life. I don’t want to be like the mom that shops in the teen section with her daughter, but I want to be able to rap along to the dope beats that the kids bump in their cars. You know what I’m talking about.
