What It Means To Live With Constant Anxiety
Health and Wellness

This Is What I Mean When I Say I’m 'Having Anxiety'

It's more than just a "chemical imbalance" or an "excuse."

Hollis Kelley

Having anxiety is not something to just brag about or use as a sympathy ploy for others to feel bad for you. Having anxiety is not just a chemical imbalance. It is actually dreadful.

I have trust issues. I love people who don't love me back, I do things for people who do me wrong, I give my all to someone who won't do the same for me. And that is why I have anxiety, and it's the reason I'm in this constant state of worry. It's more than just some "chemical imbalance."

Anxiety is one of the most underrated, undersized "emotions" the world has ever talked about alongside depression. Anxiety to some people is just a feeling of worry that will go away in a few minutes. Most people will just tell us to quit "being dramatic" or quit "being extra."

Anxiety is scary and it seriously sucks.

So when I say I'm having a bad day or an anxiety attack, I'm not being extra. I'm worried, scared, and in need of help. Anxiety is just seen as an everyday thing, but people who don't have it just don't understand. They don't understand how it really affects your everyday life. They don't understand how it feels to live with constant anxiety.

Every day, when I wake up, I think to myself what will I do today and how will I make it better than yesterday...but then my anxiety intervenes.

I worry about everything. I worry about what I'm wearing, if there will be traffic, will someone be mean to me today, will I have a good day. I continue to overthink and worry about every little thing that could go wrong. I shouldn't be worrying about these things, but I can't help it because of my anxiety. I'm just anxious about everything.

My anxiety overcomes me in crowds or when I order at restaurants. I constantly feel like I'm being judged. My family loves me and supports me, but over the years I have been judged by people that I thought were my friends. Because of this, I constantly worry about being bullied and what people think of me. Sometimes, I feel like everyone hates me and I always worry about being good enough for the people around me.

I have given my heart to people who didn't deserve it, I have spent money on people who just used me for the money, and I have wasted time on people who didn't care enough about me. I have run myself into a wall of heartache and it has left me scared. I don't want to go out on dates because I am too afraid and worried about getting my feelings hurt again.

I worry myself to the point that it makes me sick because I always assume the worst of every situation. I try my best to be positive in all situations, but sometimes it's just a lot harder than it looks.

And telling me to just think happy thoughts or calm down doesn't help AT ALL.

There are some people around me that try to help, and I appreciate that, but there are also those who just don't get it. You can't just tell someone with anxiety or depression to calm down. It makes me feel like I am wrong for feeling the way I feel. I can't just tell my heartache to go away or my worries to stop. I can't tell my stomach to stop nausea or the lump in my throat to go away.

My anxiety makes me sick, mad, miserable and that's just the hard truth. I don't want sympathy. I just want to be supported.

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