If I can't find a way to begin, can I begin at the end?

Every time I feel like I'm coming to a stop,

it becomes a mirage and I lose sight.

I lose hope.

I lose sleep.

I lose any and all desire to continue.

What's the point of living in a circle?

It no longer makes me feel safe, and it no longer comforts me.

I have all new surroundings that change with time,

but I'm still the same.

I feel like a hamster in a ball, running, but instead of running for fun,

I'm running from fear, and running before I can be run from,

and running because there's nowhere to go

besides this cursed circle, I'm stuck in.

I am filled with dread.

You know that joke about removing your makeup

and losing five pounds?

I'd lose 15 if I could remove the dread after a long day.

My insecurities take up over half of my body.

Look closely, you'll see what I'm talking about.

I talk in circles, finding different ways to say the same thing,

and my mind doesn't really have a beginning or an ending.

I change like the seasons on fast-forward.

Some days, I am run by the turbulence of my heart,

and others, I am barely a human.

There's not a lot of stability in my life -

the main constant I have is my mental illness -

she keeps me grounded. (she puts me in the ground.)

It doesn't just affect me.

A tornado never just affects one person.

My mental illness sings her own tune,

and I learned to teach others to sing along.

(What fun is the fire burning in me

if I don't risk everything catching ablaze?)

She can change and alter memories

to the point that I can't remember how they really happened;

she can change my mind before I can blink;

she tricks me into thinking heroes are villains and vice versa.

She lives in the shadows of my brain -

you are what surrounds you -

and covers me with blankets of doubt and anxiety when I am cold.

She causes the definite's to feel like maybe's

which causes me to split.

Yes or no, I'll choose if you pick incorrectly.

I change like the seasons on fast-forward, but I never truly change.

If I can't find a way to end this, can I end with the beginning?