What would it mean to love again?

It would mean continuing as I do

Proceeding in an even higher state of bliss.

It would mean jumping back into the unknown,

Blindfolded with my hands tied

Into a warm pool of trust.

It would mean to remember to serve myself.

“It ain't what you got it’s what you make”

“Be fearless in any pursuit that excites your soul”

Let go of the Ego. Let go of the past.

Do not act as if you are jaded.

You are strong and capable of love.

Let go of Fear.

Just Be.

This is a little excerpt I wrote to myself about a year ago, when I was entertaining the idea of loving again. My last relationship ended terribly, leaving me with no sense of self and some serious soul searching to do. The soul searching lead me to the southwest where I would eventually find my new home in Taos, New Mexico. When I am in love with someone, it is all or nothing, and I tend to give my entire self to the other person, because I love them… right?! This is the tricky part. When you give all of your love to someone else, who loves you when they go away? The only person we can EVER rely on in our lifetime, is ourselves. I don’t mean to sound cynical when I say this, but its true. Recently, I fell in love with an amazing man. But this same trend happened again. I was giving all of my love away and had none for myself.

My mantra that I have been meditating, not meditating, feeling and working on lately is to “live fearlessly and love fearlessly”. I don’t want the shadows of my past dictating my future. Fear is the opposite of love and while they are the basis of how we shape our lives- it is true, that love conquers fear. This has been my internal struggle in my latest relationship. Should I stay in this because I love him, or should I leave because I love my self? Or am I just being crazy? Why do I feel this way if this is love? As much as I wanted to continue to love him, sometimes love is letting someone go, and not just for them, but for yourself.This is the tug of war game that these two emotions like to play, tipping me on each side of my scales. As a result I found myself waking up with my head and heart full of clouds and pain.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning and I woke up seeing no light in the world. My heart and mind were so jumbled up I sat there and cried, begging the universe for some light, an answer, some guidance, a hug. I have a lot of conversations in my head with myself, and after finding myself crying in my van during a beautiful sunrise, I said to myself, “You are your universe, give yourself a hug.” So, without shaming myself too much about neglecting my practice lately, I did the best thing an unbalanced Libra could do for herself. I went to yoga at my favorite place in Taos; Shree Yoga.

This place is a true yoga sanctuary and very much reminds me of my yoga spot back in New England- Yoga Sakti ( for my north shore yogis). The walls are white and there are windows letting in natural light all around the room. In the front corner of the room is a small shrine, which always reminds me to take time for devotion in my practice. Suki, this peaceful earthly goddess is teaching today. As we all are seated in our asana, preparing to do a small meditation to start our practice, she asks” Does anyone need anything from this class today?” With tears in my eyes, I choke up the word “guidance”.

The next thing that Suki begins to tell us is a story of ancient Chinese medicine. In this medicinal practice, it is believed that the kidneys rule how we live when it comes to fear and love. Immediately I make a reference to astrology (in my head) and begin to cry once again, because I am a Libra and they are ruled by the kidneys and "this is sooo what I'm going through right now!" (Dramatic, I know, but nonetheless real.)

“When the kidneys are functioning properly, we are living through love. Or if we are living through love, our kidneys will function properly. And vice versa- If we live with fear, our kidneys will malfunction. There is no in between. Its fear, or love. Never both.” Suki continues with this and tells us that a theme in her life lately has been exactly this, to live with a fearless heart- abhaya hridayam, as it is called in Sanskrit.

Here is Suki (middle) and two lovely ladies from the class presenting the abhaya hridayam mudra.

There is something to be said about following your gut. In this one moment, everything came full circle to me. I asked for guidance, and here it was. Ask and you shall receive my friends! Smack-dab right in the third eye. This yoga class allowed me to release and begin to heal. I was able to get in touch with myself. It forced me to release the stored fear in my body. Breathe in love, breathe out fear. I allowed my self to just be in the moment, feel what I was feeling and take care of myself. I usually cry during yoga classes, but not until the final savasana when a few tears trickle down my cheek. You could say that I was openly weeping during this class, but there was nothing I could do, the tears just kept on flowin'.

The synchronization had me feeling some type of way. I finally felt like I could trust the universe again. I felt like I could let go of my anxieties and fears about relationships. I would love to say that this whole thing with my recent relationship has gotten better but it hasn’t. However, I am happy to be on the right path.The path of self love.

A realization with this love-fear thing that I have found is that the love part- starts from within. When you are loving yourself, you are doing what you want to do, you are awakening your life’s purpose, you are treating yourself like the god/goddess you are. Then with this, the love from within can pour onto everything and everyone around you! Self love is no walk in the park (but walks sure do help!). Patience and compassion are the gates to all love, especially with yourself.

In the society we live in today, we are conditioned to many delusions about love and self love. There is superficiality, which leads to false appreciation and expectations about love and beauty which lead to self deprecation. There are unrealistic, brainwashed standards of beauty for both men and women that say if you look this way, you will find love. This is so beyond fucked and is what our minds have been conformed to believing! Also, If you love yourself, you are egotistical. (What!?) We are all targeted to not love ourselves correctly and our media preys upon peoples inherent insecurities for profit. Living in a world like this raises many questions for myself when thinking about love, self love and relationships on a broad scale and also in my own personal life.

We are all on this journey, whether you are in touch with it or not. Each and every one of us at some point has been in a relationship, or uses love to fill in the gaps in our hearts that we feel as though we can't do ourselves. We are made to feel reliant on another person in order to be whole. This is nothing but toxic to ourselves and the ones we love. For me it took a yoga class, some meditation and a break up to begin to relearn a special lesson on self love.

Sometimes, self love is putting up boundaries where they are needed, which is what my struggle was. I loved this person, but the relationship was no longer nourishing my soul. As hard as it is, especially for lovers like me who are eternally optimistic, see the best in everything and everyone and just want to love, you need to put yourself first. Self love is honouring yourself. "Treat yo' self" as I like to call it (shout out to "Parks and Recreation".) What makes you glow? What excites your soul? Every time I have found love, it has been when I am full on loving myself. This shit seeps from your pours and your energy field is this radiant glow of LOVE, when you are loving yourself. Then people are like " damn, that person got it goin' on!" and you attract people into your life! Self love is being kind to yourself, and allowing yourself to feel how you feel without judgement, without guilt, without fear. Let your self be where you are. Be Here Now.

I hope this serves as a reminder to those out there who may have been looking for the same answers as I was. Or sparks a light in someone to begin this journey of self love. Be patient. Be kind. Love. Namaste.