WARNING: This article will include a discussion of suicide and self-harm.
I started college with a lot of pain. I was told over and over again how "good" this was going to be. For a while, it was nothing but shit, sorry. I hated it. There was so much pain. I had never experienced this before, and I didn't know what to do with it.
Life truly sucked in my mind. Sure, there were some great moments. And if I'm being honest, I think those moments are some of the big reasons I am still breathing today. I believe those moments where laughter poured out of my body for hours, I lost track of time, the new friendships, and more are why I am still living today.
It all started when I had to leave a place I loved with people I love. I had to walk away from a home. I had to go somewhere far outside of my comfort zone. I hated it so much, I nitpicked everything. The thoughts of suicide started to appear. Never in my life had I thought about doing it. Now, it was a constant thought in my head. I could get rid of this pain right now. Something always stopped me though. It was my family and friends and support team.
My people are the reason behind why I never did it. They are the reason why I never actually made the rope even though I looked it up many times. They are the reason why the thought of "How is my Mom going to sleep at night?" kept coming up in my mind.
I didn't want people to have to scroll past pictures of me with "RIP" in the caption. I didn't want my friends to suffer from my choice. I didn't want my friends to get a message from my parents or friends letting them know I took my life. I couldn't put them through that.
I went to an online chat room and talked to a counselor. I told them there was no point in living anymore. I told them I was going to do it at one point. I told them I hated myself. I don't remember exactly what they said, but it helped.
I thought about self-harm, but I didn't want to get questions if people saw the cuts. I didn't want to be sat down and told things I would call BS on. So, I never did it. I knew, deep down, I would have friends who would come to notice it.
Despite all of this, I always thought to myself "What if tomorrow, something amazing happens?"
And that's exactly how it has been. Something amazing has happened almost every day. It hasn't always been big and elaborate things, but I'm glad I am here to see it happen.
I know people say it all the time- life is good, it will get better, you know that stuff they try to tell you to comfort you. I can say it does get better. It is going to be difficult first, but it does get better. I have come across so many small things that have kept me going for just one more day. I have come across conversations with people who have shown me love, and have kept me going for one more week. I have come across memories that have made smile and kept me going for a little longer. I have come across times where I thought to myself "So-and-so wouldn't want me to be with them this early."
All of this is to say, life does suck sometimes. It is worth living, though. I have experienced beautiful things I wouldn't have experienced if I took my life. Even when life isn't fun, it is worth living. You will come across friendships that involve an endless amount of laughter. You will come across moments of adventure and absolute thrill.
Life is worth living. Even when it sucks, especially then.
National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Online Chat Room: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/