Life Is Worth Living, Even When It Sucks And You Want To Kill Yourself, Especially Then

Life Is Worth Living, Even When It Sucks And You Want To Kill Yourself - Especially Then

I have experienced beautiful things that I wouldn't have experienced if I took my life.


WARNING: This article will include a discussion of suicide and self-harm.

I started college with a lot of pain. I was told over and over again how "good" this was going to be. For a while, it was nothing but shit, sorry. I hated it. There was so much pain. I had never experienced this before, and I didn't know what to do with it.

Life truly sucked in my mind. Sure, there were some great moments. And if I'm being honest, I think those moments are some of the big reasons I am still breathing today. I believe those moments where laughter poured out of my body for hours, I lost track of time, the new friendships, and more are why I am still living today.

It all started when I had to leave a place I loved with people I love. I had to walk away from a home. I had to go somewhere far outside of my comfort zone. I hated it so much, I nitpicked everything. The thoughts of suicide started to appear. Never in my life had I thought about doing it. Now, it was a constant thought in my head. I could get rid of this pain right now. Something always stopped me though. It was my family and friends and support team.

My people are the reason behind why I never did it. They are the reason why I never actually made the rope even though I looked it up many times. They are the reason why the thought of "How is my Mom going to sleep at night?" kept coming up in my mind.

I didn't want people to have to scroll past pictures of me with "RIP" in the caption. I didn't want my friends to suffer from my choice. I didn't want my friends to get a message from my parents or friends letting them know I took my life. I couldn't put them through that.

I went to an online chat room and talked to a counselor. I told them there was no point in living anymore. I told them I was going to do it at one point. I told them I hated myself. I don't remember exactly what they said, but it helped.

I thought about self-harm, but I didn't want to get questions if people saw the cuts. I didn't want to be sat down and told things I would call BS on. So, I never did it. I knew, deep down, I would have friends who would come to notice it.

Despite all of this, I always thought to myself "What if tomorrow, something amazing happens?"

And that's exactly how it has been. Something amazing has happened almost every day. It hasn't always been big and elaborate things, but I'm glad I am here to see it happen.

I know people say it all the time- life is good, it will get better, you know that stuff they try to tell you to comfort you. I can say it does get better. It is going to be difficult first, but it does get better. I have come across so many small things that have kept me going for just one more day. I have come across conversations with people who have shown me love, and have kept me going for one more week. I have come across memories that have made smile and kept me going for a little longer. I have come across times where I thought to myself "So-and-so wouldn't want me to be with them this early."

All of this is to say, life does suck sometimes. It is worth living, though. I have experienced beautiful things I wouldn't have experienced if I took my life. Even when life isn't fun, it is worth living. You will come across friendships that involve an endless amount of laughter. You will come across moments of adventure and absolute thrill.

Life is worth living. Even when it sucks, especially then.

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

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10 Bible Verses for Self Esteem

Sometimes you need to search for inner strength and find your own self worth.

We all get those days that we just don't feel good enough for anything. Everything is going wrong. For me, I go to the bible to read the words of God. His personal dialog for us is filled with encouragement, hope, and lessons we can learn from. Here are my top ten verses that are uplifting and impacting when at the lowest of lows:

1. Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things in Him who strengthens me.

2. Psalm 46:5

God is within her, she will not fall.

3. Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

4. Psalm 28:76

The Lord is my strength and my shield.

5. 1 Corinthians 25:10

By the grace of God, I am what I am.

6. Romans 5:8

I loved you at your darkest.

7. Psalm 62:5-6

Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on Him. God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe, and he is the fortress where I feel secure.

8. 2 Timothy 1:7

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.

9. 1 Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

10. 2 Chronicles 20:15

The battle is not ours, but God's.

Cover Image Credit: chinadaily

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11 Things You NEVER Say To A College Girl Trying To Get Into Shape

Just never talk about a person's weight.


When my family and friends joked that I was going to gain 15 pounds in my freshman year of college as a result of the "Freshman 15," I thought it was what it was supposed to be: a joke. However, as the year has come to an end, I realized that I actually did put on a couple of pounds, albeit it wasn't the predicted 15.

As I told those that I wanted to get into an ideal shape for my body, I was met with some insensitive and ignorant remarks. Everyone thought that I mean just losing the weight I had put on.

1. "You walk to all of your classes, why aren't you losing weight that way?"

My legs are more toned than they ever have been before. However, most of the weight I have been gaining has gone directly to my gut (annoying!) and walking does not remedy that. Unfortunately, I have to stick to ab workouts.

2. "But you look fine to me!"

I don't feel healthy to myself. I'm not trying to stay in shape for anyone else, just myself, thanks. I appreciate you trying to make me feel better about my body image but I know something has to be done.

3. "I didn't gain any weight in college."

Good for you. I did. I'm trying to do something about it.

4. "Just stop drinking."

I don't drink. Really, the only liquid I consume is water or iced tea. I don't like soda and alcohol makes me nauseous way too easily.

5. "Isn't the gym free on campus for students?"

Yes, but some people don't like working out in front of others. I am one of those people. My friend lives in an apartment complex that has their own gym and almost no one is ever there but not everyone has that luxury. Also, some are busy and do not have time for a quick jog or to stretch.

6. "You should try this diet/pills/exercise routine."

I am thankful that you are trying to help but my diet is just eating healthy and having a few cheat days in between. I know what exercises work best for me and I am just not taking pills. Bodies adjust differently.

7. "Don't starve/force yourself to throw up."

Trust me, I know. I'm trying to lose the weight healthily. If you do find yourself practicing unhealthy eating habits or realizing your body image is deteriorating, the NEDA Hotline is (800) 931-2237. Please reach out if you are going through hardships.

8. "Won't you have to buy a whole new wardrobe?"

If I drop (or even add) a size or two. We grow out and grow tired of clothes on the regular, what's the difference if you have to buy some because of a weight change? Plus, who doesn't love buying new clothes?

9. "Just eat healthier."

Didn't think of it! Options are limited at college where the dining halls don't offer all that much that is actually good for your body. Now that I'm at home, it's easier. But I'm already trying to eat healthy.

10. "You've evened out since the last time I saw you!"

This is code for you've put on some weight. I hear it mostly from older relatives because my friends will flat out tell me if I've gotten a little chunky.

11. "You're just stressed."

Personally, this one gets me livid. I do admit that when I am stressed or anxious, I do turn to food for comfort but when I am delighted and genuinely happy, will my body magically revert into a fit state?

Sadly, no.

Honestly, I am just trying to get my body back into shape. For me, that means cutting back on greasy foods and kicking a bad habit of sitting on my butt all day. For others, it could mean more or less. As long as your body is in good physical condition and you are content, the number on the scale and others' thoughts shouldn't matter. Take care of yourself.

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