18. Brad And Angelina Splitting Up
Didn’t you just love em? Whether they were playing married assassins in a mediocre movie or adopting thousands of kids from Africa, they were always in our hearts. Plus, they’re both so hot. R.I.P. Brangelina.
17. The CIA-Incited Civil War In Guatemala
Remember when an American banana company's profits were threatened by the increasingly humane labor practices in Guatemala, so the company used their political connections and money to convince the paranoid American government that the democratic and capitalist Guatemalan government was a communist regime that needed to be overthrown, and then the CIA printed assassination manuals and bombed Guatemala and replaced their democratically elected president with a pro-banana military dictator, installing an authoritarian regime and inciting a 36 year civil war during which the American-backed military committed genocide against Mayans. Classic. Support our troops.
16. Brad And Jennifer Splitting Up
It was the breakup heard around the world. True American heartbreak on the cover of colorful tabloid magazines on the checkout line in the grocery store. My aunt still doesn’t understand why he left her.
15. The 15 To 20 Million People Joseph Stalin Officially And Unofficially Executed, Sent To Die In The Gulag, Killed During Forced Resettlement, Or Let Die In A Man-Made Famine.
What are you gonna do.
14. The Death Of “Fast and Furious” Star Paul Walker
Everyone was so sad when the car racing movie guy died driving his super fast car super fast. Even Vin Diesel cried. Joseph Stalin said it best: “One death is a tragedy; A million deaths is a statistic.”
13. The Assassination Of Fred Hampton
Fred Hampton was a promising, charismatic, 21-year old Black Panther community organizer. Because of this unfortunate status, an FBI informant drugged him with sleeping pills and then a tactical team of Chicago police officers raided his home at four in the morning with guns blazing. The cops dragged his still unconscious body out of bed from next to his eight-and-a-half month pregnant wife, shot him twice point blank in the head, and said “he’s good and dead now.” They then arrested all the badly wounded Black Panthers in the house that they hadn’t just murdered in cold blood and charged them with attempted murder of police, even though in reality they hadn’t fired a single bullet at police while police fired over ninety at them. The cops then fed a story to the press about a heroic firefight against murderous Black Panthers, and suffered zero consequences. Blue lives matter.
12. Kanye Calling Out George Bush Over Hurricane Katrina
Who can forget when Kanye went off script on national television and declared that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” next to a stunned Michael Myers who was just trying to get some donations for hurricane victims. George Bush called Kanye’s call-out the worst moment of his entire presidency. For real.
11. Hurricane Katrina
The hurricane decimated New Orleans, and the embarrassing response time of the government coming to the aid of the largely African American population led to countless resignations.
10. Steve Harvey Messing Up A Name
The whole nation cringed when that sexist black man read the wrong name or something.
9. Beauty Pageants
A disgusting, shallow celebration of the Male Gaze, where women and even little girls submit themselves for creepy judges to decide who is hottest. They also throw in something about charity so that everyone doesn’t get distracted by their morals while awarding thousands of dollars to people just for being physically attractive to men.
8. Adele Dazeem
John Travolta was selected by the gods to give an award to Idina Menzel, and, reading right off the teleprompter, gave it to “the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.” Can’t get much worse than that.
7. Award Shows
A pretentious, shallow, and pointless celebration of celebrity, where industry members decide which albums and movies were good, as if everyone didn’t already know which albums and movies were good. At least the interviews provide endless drivel about designer dresses so that famous people finally have a public platform.
6. Pearl Harbor
5. Pearl Harbor, The Movie
A cheesy dogshit screenplay and obnoxious, repetitive Michael Bay special effects combine to create the worst movie of all time, starring Ben Affleck. Roger Ebert wrote that "Pearl Harbor is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle. Its centerpiece is 40 minutes of redundant special effects, surrounded by a love story of stunning banality. The film has been directed without grace, vision, or originality, and although you may walk out quoting lines of dialogue, it will not be because you admire them… There is no sense of history, strategy or context."
4. 9/11
The horrible mass-murder of civilians in response to Western support for attacking Muslims in Somalia, supporting Russian atrocities against Muslims in Chechnya, supporting the Indian oppression against Muslims in Kashmir, the Jewish aggression against Muslims in Lebanon, the presence of US troops in Saudi Arabia, and US support of Israel and sanctions against Iraq.
3. The Hundreds Of Thousands Erroneously Killed In Reaction To 9/11
The Iraq War, based on lies and misunderstandings, lead to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of civilians, thousands of American soldiers, and power vacuums in which extremist groups like ISIS could flourish and take more lives.
2. The Holocaust
Well, I guess you have to put this one.
1. Listicles
This has gotta be the worst thing in the world. The decline of real journalism and its quest for truth and justice in our world. You can just spew whatever nonsense you want and people eat it up as long as you keep your sentences short and use flashy gifs. I mean, I really shouldn’t be allowed to just say stuff like this. Okay, actually, maybe Mao was the worst thing ever. He killed like 70 million people.
