If I Die In A Mass Shooting, Here's What I Want You To Know

If I die in a mass shooting, here's what I want you to know.

I want you to know I don't know a time when I've been alive that there hasn't been inexplicable gun violence in our country. I grew up watching shooting after shooting on the news. I read about it. I cried over it.

But I never thought it would happen to me.

I want you to know I felt shocked when I first heard of the Virginia Tech shootings. I was 12-years-old. I didn't understand how anything that evil could have happened. 32 people were dead. I prayed. My 7th grade class signed cards to send to the families of the victims. I remember my history teacher talking about the 2nd amendment and how we have the right to bear arms. Some of the people in my class said they loved the 2nd amendment because they hunted with guns and without it, they couldn't.

But I never thought it would happen to me.

I want you to know I felt extreme grief and sadness when I saw the Sandy Hook shootings on the news. I was in high school. How could anyone shoot 20 innocent elementary students? Young, innocent humans who were only 6, 7-years-old. What could they have done to trigger the wrath of a monster so terrible, he killed them and six others? Why didn't anyone notice he was violent? I cried. I prayed. I asked God, why? And how?

But I never thought it would happen to me.

I want you to know I couldn't breathe when someone told me 49 people died in Orlando, Florida. And over 50 people were injured at Pulse Night Club. I was in college. This time, I looked at the assault rifle and the gun the shooter used. My stomach twisted. How could anyone think of slaughtering so many people? Let alone at the same time? I prayed... but it didn't feel like enough. So, I decided to research why and how someone like this could even buy a gun like this to begin with.

But I never thought it would happen to me.

I want you to know that I felt a mix of anger and pain when nearly 60 people lost their lives in Las Vegas after a gunman opened fire from his hotel room. They were at a concert. They were in Vegas. They should have had a lovely vacation and made it home safe to their loved ones. At this point, I had graduated from college. I had moved to New York City, another bustling metropolis where tourists often visited and concerts happened daily. I prayed. And then I called my Senators.

Because at this point, I realized, this could happen to me.

If I die in a mass shooting, I want you to know that I was a person who tried to put an end to mass shootings in the United States. I called my representatives. I marched in marches. I spoke out against gun violence. I explained to those who disagreed with me, I didn't want the 2nd amendment to go away. That according to our Constitution, it is our right to have guns, bear arms. All of that. I just wanted stricter gun control. I wanted background checks. I wanted to limit the guns we could own.

I could not process why anyone would oppose reasonable measures to prevent someone with the intention to kill hundreds of people from getting a firearm. Could they not see what I see?

If I die in a mass shooting, I want you to know that dying in a mass shooting was one of my biggest fears.

On days when my anxiety roared its ugliest head, I would frequently, without realizing, think of how I would escape a building in case shots started firing. I want you to know that if you look at my Google search history, you'll find phrases like "how to protect yourself during an open fire" and "how common is it to die in a mass shooting in the United States?" I want you to know that it crosses my mind, even just for a split second, every time I leave my house to go to work, the gym, my Pilates studio, or church.

So if I die in a mass shooting, I hope it's the last mass shooting there is. Although, if our country's history is any indication, I doubt it will be.

If you care about gun reform in our country, call your representatives. You can find who represents you, and their contact information here. To learn more, head to https://ceasefireusa.org/.