As I was reading an article recently, I came across a quote that said: "the point of listening is to understand, not to respond."
This resonated with me because though there are many qualities of mine that I am always working on, my ability to be a good listener is consistently top of the list.
I find we often leave conversations without ever truly trying to soak up each word the other person was saying. Rather, we walk away hoping they soaked up each word we had to say because we said it so damn it, it was obviously important. Obviously.
If you are religious then you may believe that God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason and if you're not, then let us agree that two is more than one and with two ears, our singular mouth is objectively outnumbered.
I believe that being a good listener is far more important than we are generally raised to believe.
We are taught how to "communicate our emotions" and "say it with our words, not our actions."
However, I think we can say a lot about what kind of listener we are by the way we act when someone is talking to us.
I'm not saying that the ability to communicate is not important. I'm saying the exact opposite. Being a good listener is one of the best and quickest ways to become a good communicator.
By being a good listener, we actually elevate our sense of connectedness with the person in which we are talking with and can potentially further their impression of us in the best possible way. Whether you are talking with a colleague, friend, significant other or a parent, we all want to be heard but not all of us want to hear.
Wanting to be heard is so great. Actually, it's more than great. Being heard and understood is like seeing a unicorn: something you can imagine but go your whole life without ever actually experiencing.
Listening to people is one of the golden tips on how to influence them and get others to do what you want them to. Of course, this sounds incredibly manipulative but whether we call it "influencing" or "manipulating" we are still trying to get others to do something we want.
Manipulation gets a bad rap because it is generally immoral or unethical. So, instead of saying we "manipulate" people, we say that we "influence" them.
I agree that "manipulation" is the word we use when talking about someone skillfully and unfairly getting someone to do something. While both actions take skill and have an effect on someone, one is morally acceptable and one is not.
Either way, even the sleaziest, most conniving manipulators know that if they want something, they better be willing to listen in order to win someone over.
As humans, we have this "thing" where feeling important and having a sense of belonging is as needed as food and water. In fact, study after study shows that those communities who have the longest lifespans, also have the strongest communal ties and bonds.
The number of meaningful connections we have in a day matters and if you get nothing else from reading this (which I hope is not the case if you've read all the way down to here), I hope you understand this: learn to love listening.
Becoming a better listener is an ongoing journey in my life and I imagine it will be in yours too because when we get that itch to blurt out and grace everyone with our self-proclaimed brilliance, holding it in is like waiting at the top of the stairs before getting to see what Santa left you under the tree when you were four.
Listen to understand, not to respond.
Release the urge to formulate a response in your head as the other person is talking. We were made for connection and communication so if we don't spend the entire conversation thinking about how we are going to respond, we will still have something to say when the time comes for us to speak.
The quieter you become, the more you'll be able to hear.
