Growing up in a house like mine was much like living in a prison I imagine. Prison is lonely, quite, isolating I felt all these things from such a young age. My childhood was not like most yelling, name calling, abuse these are the type of memories I have. There was no going out for ice cream, trick-or-treating on Halloween all the "normal" experiences a child should have I did not. My days consisted of waking up staying silent and keeping my head down. The type of abuse I endured is something that still shocks me today. As a child you do not know how to cope with traumatic events, even as an adult I am still clueless on what to do.
At eleven years old the sexual abuse began, him coming into my room at night telling me to be quiet then it was torture. At first I was terrified as any child would be but just like everything else I went through it became my "normal". It wasn't until I was a teenager that I realized this was not normal in fact it was a bigger issue than I thought. But what else could I do? Each night I would wait to hear my parents bedroom door open and attempt to prepare myself for what was coming. It got to the point I knew just how many steps it took to get to my bedroom from theirs, his feet moving way too quickly. The door would open and there I was again staring at the ceiling for what felt like forever trying not to cry.
This type of abuse not only broke my heart but my mind as well, I lost my entire childhood because of it. Once I realized that it wasn't going to stop the depression, anxiety and ptsd set in quickly. Keeping something like that to yourself for years only leaves you feeling insane. Going through so many stages of grief such as shame, guilt, questioning myself whether it was my fault or not.
So here I am 10 years later no longer the broken eleven year old I once was. Not completely put back together either but I'm getting very close. It took me 10 years to realize that none of this was my fault I did not deserve what happened to me. I no longer have to suffer in silence.