Originally written on December 4, 2015

An open letter to my first love:

There were others before you and there may be others after you, but it was you; the first guy I truly gave my heart to. I remember our first awkward interactions with each other; each warmed my heart in a different way that I couldn’t explain. I would later come to find that this funny feeling was love, something I didn’t really know about before you came along. Sure, I already knew of this crazy little thing through connections with family members and friends, but this was a first of its own kind. I wasn’t looking for anything or anyone. You know me; I’m a strong, independent woman that don’t need no man to begin with. To be quite honest with you, the fact that you set your sights on me came as a shock. I find myself to be a rather intimidating figure, especially to guys. You were shy, somewhat-quiet, and carrying something in your being that I would never come to understand. The fact that you chose to chase me anyway was something that I could not fathom. Inevitably, I fell for your kind heart, child-like charisma, and that smile of yours that could light up a room.

The time that we spent together is something that I will always look back on with happiness. The whole concept of dating was strange to me before you; I can recall you frequently scolding me for wanting to pay for our meals or movie tickets, and confiscating my debit card playfully. I also remember the times when I would rush to open the door for you instead of the other way around, and you would laugh at my silliness. I also remember the sincerity in your words and embraces, whether it be a small compliment, a kiss, a hug, or even just your hand in mine. You taught me to live in the moment, be adventurous and spontaneous. You showed me what it’s like to really care about someone with your whole being, and for that I am forever grateful. But like any relationship, things got turbulent. We never had a full-on fight or shouting match, but there would be those times where we would sometimes need our distance from each other, you more than I. I wanted nothing more than for you to lean on me in your times of deep thought and feeling, but you only pushed yourself away from me even more. I never understood why. For a long time, I attributed it to the fact that there may have been others before me that might have ruined that concept of trust and connection for you, which I can understand. But what I wanted you to know more than anything is that I would have never done anything to hurt you in any way; I would have never judged you. That’s how much I cared. But towards the end, that wasn’t enough reassurance to salvage what we had.

The most difficult part for me was hearing you speak so lowly of yourself, when I saw so much more than you could ever imagine. I saw the stars in your eyes and so much potential for greatness ahead of you, and I wanted to be a part of that journey. But for your own reasons, the journey had to come to an end. What sucks is that despite your difficulties, I would have never given up on you like you gave up on me. Some of your recent actions have caused me to think twice about who I thought you were to be honest, but I like to think that you really did care about me at one point. If you know me at all, you know that I am not the type of woman to chase after someone who chose to walk away, no matter how difficult that may be for me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, that I don’t wonder, that I don’t think about you. I was nothing but good to you, but you have chosen to walk a different path, one I don’t comprehend. I don’t know where this expedition called life will take you, but I want you to know that you will always have my support every step of the way. That’s what love is after all, isn’t it? Even if it means that we have to take different roads, even if it means having to let you go.

Maybe our paths will cross sometime again in the future, maybe we’ll walk side-by-side in amity. But if we never speak again, remember that I loved you, a part of me always will, perhaps in a different sense. Thank you for everything. I’ll always be there for you; you know where to find me.

And when I told you that I would always be your friend, I meant it.

Sincerely,

Sarahi.