"It's complicated."

How many times do we hear that phrase in our lifetime? Too often, life likes to make things interesting. School, work, family life, it's all full of complicated moments. Curve balls get thrown our way that we can't hit. We've dodged so many bullets that it is hard to tell them apart. Lines get blurred to the point where we don't know if a boundary was crossed or not. Tries have been a repeated routine that when something goes wrong, we can't figure out where or why it did. All of this, right here and right now, this is life, complicated within itself. We don't like to hear this newfound discovery, but it is a fact. Life is a whirlwind of complicated messes, spinning around and around, never settling for the least of these situations. 

Welcome to my world, full of everything complicated, just like everyone else. Here's where my life had it's complexity, the world of relationships.

I thought in middle school that I was in a "solid" relationship. Turns out, I was wrong. I let my guard down to a guy at my home church that I thought I knew, pouring out every insecurity I had about myself to him through emails and texts. He gave me a ring and necklace for my birthday, chocolate and a card on Valentine's day, and said "I love you" many times. The emails continued and I made myself vulnerable every time I replied to him and my guard came down. It backfired on me, as my friends told me what he was really up to, in relationships with them behind my back and being inappropriate. I broke off the relationship myself, realizing I had been used and fooled to believe a guy really cared about me. I never dated again, feeling at the time being single was all that I could ever be. I felt I couldn't trust being in a relationship, in fear of being used again. This situation had the word "complicated" written all over it.

When I thought the "dating disaster" was over, think again. My sophomore year of high school, my friends and I let this guy sit with us at our table in the cafeteria. He had been excluded from another table and we felt bad. Not too long after letting him join our table, he began to have an interest in me. He gave me a poem about us, a drawing, and a foam flower, even though I didn't have feelings for him. We weren't in a relationship and somehow in his mind, we were. This went on for the rest of high school--sophomore, junior and senior year of high school. He wouldn't give me space at the lunch table, because every time I moved my chair, he scooted closer. When I would read with spare time at lunch, he would grab my hand and I didn't flinch. He rubbed his face on my arm and I didn't say anything, too afraid to. He stroked my hair and I didn't move. In aquatics class, the girls talked to me in the locker room, saying they were nervous when they saw him getting too close to me. Out of the pool, he had come up behind me in line, close to me, and it startled me for a moment. I let it go. In the pool, he had almost grabbed me from behind, until I turned slightly around to catch him reaching for my elbow. I was floating on my back when he grabbed my feet. I didn't know how to react, so after a moment, I did a somersault in the water and his hands released my feet. Senior year, he was in my government class, sat next to me, and said my name when he first came in the room. I said "hi" for a while, until I stopped one day. I kept my nose in a book and ignored him calling my name, until he kept calling it with more intensity, as if he wanted me to acknowledge him. I even declined working with him for a project and he got angry. Graduating could not have been more of a blessing in disguise.

It's February, the month of love and celebrating relationships with family and friends. As far as relationships with friends go, I love my friends. They're blessings God has placed in my life, so thankful that we are each other's support. When it comes to those relationships with guys, it's complicated. I was used. I was manipulated.

 If you had something similar happen to you, I want you to know that you are not alone. Don't blame yourself, because it's not your fault. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone for help if you feel there isn't something right in the relationship you're in. You don't deserve to be treated that way and you have a right to end it. You have a voice, you have a choice, you are strong, and you need to be shown real love. Life's relationships may be complicated, but you can do something to be free again.