I’m going to surrender all my secrets over. I promised myself on the floor, on that horrid night that I would tell my story no matter who I offended and what I said. This event was a wakeup call for me that changed my life for the good, surprisingly enough.

Sometimes there is an event in one’s life that changes the whole course of their world in an instant. Sometimes those events can be groundbreaking and completely blissful but sometimes those events can be world shattering and gruesome. It can change you as a person for the good or the worst. It can change the way you feel and how you think. It changes the way you see the world and other human beings.

For me, I have had a very challenging past and I always kept my world a secret from everyone I knew. I was always the quiet girl that kept to herself, but no one ever knew why. It wasn’t until I was standing face to face with a loaded gun being drawn toward me that I was forced to confront my fears. My mind couldn’t make sense of what was even going on. Surprisingly, I wasn’t scared when these two guys came up to me, which stunned me the fact that I wasn’t responding the way I should have. My eyes drew towards both of their hands and I saw they both had a gun hidden in a newspaper cover wrapping. I didn’t move, I just stood and stared. In the back of my mind I was yelling at myself to run and go inside but I remember I didn’t care that that was what I was supposed to do. I wanted to see if they would shoot. They both took out their gun they were hiding. There was nowhere for me to go. All I could think was “This is actually it Sadie.” That’s when J came out and grabbed me quickly and threw me inside on the floor. J ran to his room and all I heard was a gun being cocked.

I was completely inaudible and paralyzed. I knew what I came face to face with, but my emotions didn’t equate to how I needed to react in that point in time. That’s when I knew that something was very wrong, and I needed help. When I was on the floor of his apartment watching everything go down I remember thinking to myself “wonder if this is it Sadie? Are you okay with how you ended your life? Are you satisfied?”. A flood of emotions and past experiences all came flooding back to me. I promised myself on that floor, on that horrid night that I would tell my story no matter who I offended and what I said. This event was a wakeup call for me that changed my life for the good, surprisingly enough. It kicked my ass into shaped and scared me straight. I let all this pain and struggle silence me, which weighs down a person. I’ve been beaten, choked out, and thrown against walls in my elementary school and never batted an eyelash. I was raped and laughed at because it was April 1^st (April fools day….real funny) my freshmen year in high school. I was in an abusive relationship that caused blood on my hands many times and left me destroyed ready to kill myself because I thought I was useless. I’ve been molested by friends, coaches and adults and when I do finally have the courage to stand up for myself I got beaten down literally. I was forced to be silent for years. I’m done being voiceless. I’m taking back everything that I’ve lost and I’m gaining myself more.

So what do you do when you come face to face with an event that destroys the very person that you once were? From what I have learned and experienced it is a very tortuous process that takes a lot of patience and strength.

The event that changed the course in my life occurred in 2015. One of my biggest fears came to life when I was 18 years old. I sat at the bathroom sink with tears dripping down the drain. I could hardly stand; my legs were giving out every second that I kept standing. I couldn’t believe it, so I thought it was a mistake. I bought another test and the same result. I collapsed in tears on the ground and cried for the whole night. During that time, I was dating someone that was very near and dear to my heart. We were in a long-distance relationship, so I was all on my own when I found out the news. I was a clueless little girl. I knew I only had two options, but both of those were out of the question for me.

I can’t even begin to tell you what was going through my mind. A sense of pure hopelessness sunk into my skin and started to weigh me down. I took matters into my own hands and decided to go to the doctor to see if it was true. After about a month and half I became completely silent, almost a mute. I only spoke when I absolutely needed too. My emotions and feelings had become completely stagnant, as if they had already died off. I kept this secret to myself for a total of 11 weeks. I was so confused with my life. I wanted a child more than anything in this world. I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was three years old. But this was not how I wanted to do this, and I knew I wasn’t ready. I knew with the path that I was on that I was going to have it. So, I needed to come up with a game plan on how I was going to tell everyone in my life. The main person I wanted to tell was the person that I was with. He meant the world to me, but I knew he was struggling and was going through a lot at that time and I didn’t want to just put that on him. I couldn’t even muster out the words to say it out loud to myself let alone take the person of my dreams to the side and just flip his world upside down in a matter of 2.3 seconds. I was TERRIFIED!

I went to the doctor for another check up and they told me something that will permanently be engraved on my mind. “There’s no heartbeat”. It felt like Satan had grabbed onto my heart, yank it out of my chest, chewed it and spit it out for me to pick back up. I was never the same after that moment.

"Getting over it." There is no bow, no fix, no solution to my heartache. There is no end to the ways I will grieve and for how long I will grieve. There is no glue for my broken heart, no elixir for my pain, no going back in time. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and ache with all my heart and soul. I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love lasts forever; that the loss of a child is not one finite event, it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute over the course of a lifetime. This is why grief lasts forever. The ripple effect lasts forever. The bleeding never stops.

One of the most difficult parts of the Christian life is the fact that becoming a disciple of Christ does not make us immune to life’s trials and tribulations. Why would a good and loving God allow us to go through such things as the death of a child, disease and injury to ourselves and our loved ones, financial hardships, worry and fear? Surely, if He loved us, He would take all these things away from us. After all, doesn’t loving us mean He wants our lives to be easy and comfortable? Well, no, it doesn’t. The Bible clearly teaches that God loves those who are His children, and He “works all things together for good” for us (Romans 8:28). So that must mean that the trials and tribulations He allows in our lives are part of the working together of all things for good. Therefore, for the believer, all trials and tribulations must have a divine purpose.

As in all things, God’s ultimate purpose for us is to grow more and more into the image of His Son (Romans 8:29). This is the goal of the Christian, and everything in life, including the trials and tribulations, is designed to enable us to reach that goal. It is part of the process of sanctification, being set apart for God’s purposes and fitted to live for His glory. The way trials accomplish this is explained in 1 Peter 1:6-7: "In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which perishes, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." The true believer’s faith will be made sure by the trials we experience so that we can rest in the knowledge that it is real and will last forever.

Trials develop godly character, and that enables us to "rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” (Romans 5:3-5). Jesus Christ set the perfect example. "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). These verses reveal aspects of His divine purpose for both Jesus Christ's trials and tribulations and ours. Persevering proves our faith. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).

However, we must be careful never to make excuses for our "trials and tribulations" if they are a result of our own wrongdoing. "By no means let any of you suffer as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler" (1 Peter 4:15). God will forgive our sins because the eternal punishment for them has been paid by Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. However, we still have to suffer the natural consequences in this life for our sins and bad choices. But God uses even those sufferings to mold and shape us for His purposes and our ultimate good.

Trials and tribulations come with both a purpose and a reward. "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. . . . Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him" (James 1:2-4,12).

Through all of life’s trials and tribulations, we have the victory. "But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord, Jesus Christ." Although we are in a spiritual battle, Satan has no authority over the believer in Christ. God has given us His Word to guide us, His Holy Spirit to enable us, and the privilege of coming to Him anywhere, at any time, to pray about anything. He has also assured us that no trial will test us beyond our ability to bear it, and “he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Though I will grieve forever and then some, it does not mean my life is lacking happiness and joy. Quite the contrary, in fact, though it took awhile to get there. It is not either/or, it’s both/and. My life is more rich now. I live from a deeper place. I love deeper still. Because I grieve I also know a joy like no other. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss. Such is the alchemy of grief. Because I’ve clawed my way from the depth of unimaginable pain, suffering and sorrow, again and again– when the joy comes, however and whenever it does– it is a joy that reverberates through every pore of my skin and every bone in my body. I feel all of it, deeply: the love, the grief, the joy, the pain. I embrace and thank every morsel of it. My life now is more rich and vibrant and full, not despite my loss, but because of it. In grief there are gifts, sometimes many. These gifts don’t in any way make it all “worth” it, but I am grateful beyond words for each and every gift that comes my way. I bow my head to each one and say thank you, thank you, thank you. Because there is nothing– and I mean absolutely nothing– I take for granted. Living life in this way gives me greater joy than I’ve ever known possible. Even death can’t take that away.