As do most college students, you probably have a love/hate relationship with your bed. You don't want to get out of your bed, you physically feel like you can't get out of your bed or sometimes you want to leave your bed and see what adventure awaits you. Well my bed is a little different. Living with a Binge Eating Disorder (BED) for the past eight years of my life has been a constant battle of highs and lows with the rest of my life smashed in between.
Binge Eating Disorder is primarily when you eat large quantities of food in a quick time period, and it's normally to the point of being so full you're left in discomfort. Now I'm not talking about the one day you were so stressed out you thought you ate everything in your dorm, but this happens at least four times a week if not more. Ever since I was little I have always had a love/hate relationship with food. I used to eat because I never thought I was full, but now that I am older, it has become a lot worse because that I am aware of the ties that come with food.
I remember the first time I recognized I had a problem. I was reading Seventeen Magazine (of course), and there was an article about the eating disorder. So I started reading and eventually reading turned into crying. I never read anything before that I identified with that strongly. I remember contemplating whether I should tell my mom or not. I hated always being known as the fat girl, and I hated that I was treated differently growing up because of it. So I told her, thinking this would be the start of my path to weight loss. Well, I was very WRONG!
My mom is a caring and loving person and I love her more than anything, but she sometimes thinks things are a phase and they will just go away, but my BED has not.
As weeks started to go by, all I could really think about was my weight. I would go all day without eating, come home do homework, make a spinach and broccoli salad, workout, go to a sports practice, come home, shower and then would puke in the shower. Then it would happen the next day, the day after that and so on. For months I had hid this from everyone; I felt so sick.
Although it sounds like my BED went away and another issue was occurring, it didn't. I was still eating a whole bag of Hershey Hugs in secret.
Whether it's guys, friends or even distant family, I still feel insecure every once in a while about my eating habits, my appearance and just about everything revolving around me. I have judged myself so much over the past years, and I have made myself believe that everyone else wants to judge me too. But day by day I am learning to love my self more. College has had its relapses but I have just learned to look forward.
Although I know my disorder is not completely gone, nor will it ever be, I feel it has improved significantly. I may still have trouble eating in public, or eating when I am by myself, but I'm working on it. I am slowly gaining my confidence back, and I am working on a healthier me. Eating disorders may not seem serious in the moment, but they can change drastically. If you are in the situation I was in, talk to someone. I know the hesitant feeling but It will honestly help!
So remember you are young, you are fun and you are in control of your body. You can strive to be a better you everyday. It's not about the ride it takes to get there, but about the view from the top.
