First of all, I want to take the time to acknowledge anyone who has managed to find the strength to leave a toxic relationship and for anyone trying to find the strength please know that you are not alone, you have so much support and you CAN do this.
I want to start that way because during the time I was trying to find my strength to escape the toxic relationship that is exactly how I felt; alone, like no one supported me, everyone was so tired of hearing me complain about the same relationship problems when I wasn’t doing anything about, etc. Not everyone is going to understand the damage that has been done, not everyone is going to understand how much you have been manipulated and not everyone is going to understand the amount of pain and heartbreak that suffocates you during this process. But I do. There are people that do, we have been in your shoes.
Those who are constantly asking you “why are you still with them?”, “why haven’t you left yet? Don’t you respect yourself AT ALL?” “do you enjoy crying yourself to sleep every night?” Well, no. Of course we don’t enjoy any of that, but unfortunately that way of life is all that we know. These questions are easily answered by people who have never been in a toxic relationship. Toxic relationships begin once you start to make changes to your life that you would never ask anyone to make to theirs, they begin once you find yourself apologizing for things that are not your fault and when you find yourself asking what more you could have done to help prevent this situation.
Over the course of four years I found myself in a mentally, physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I was manipulated to the point of apologizing for getting mad after I found out I had yet again been cheated on. I cannot begin to count the number of times I said “its okay” in a situation that was very obviously not okay. But saying it’s okay was better than leaving and going through the heartbreak of not having them around anymore, right? Love is about forgiving and giving someone a chance to right their wrongs, isn’t that we we’ve always been told? That is right, but second chances are one thing. Once you find yourself giving a 17th chance, it’s time to throw in the towel.
These relationships completely destroy you and you will have to rebuild yourself and all the relationships you lost along the way. My family would sit me down time after time trying to open my eyes and get me to see what I was putting myself through but I ignored it because this person told me they loved me. Why would they lie about that? They told me they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me even if they did stupid things while we were young, at the end of it all I was who they wanted to be with and that was enough to keep me pushing on. My family would tell me they missed me even though I hadn’t gone anywhere. They missed who I was; the happy, smiling, outgoing girl I always was before this relationship, but all of that was gone. I wanted out and I wanted out bad. I prayed to God more during this time than I ever had before. I needed guidance and strength sent my way if I was ever going to escape this.
But I did.
I escaped after months and months of back and forth, leaving and then coming right back. Saying its sorry and saying it isn’t. I did it and let me tell you, it was a dark, dark time after the break up. A roller coaster of emotions, constantly. Happy to be away, completely heartbroken that someone you loved and said they loved you would do this to you, lonely, angry because you know you are worth so much more and deserve so much more. I’m sure you’re feeling all of these, too. Trust me when I say that is completely normal and trust me when I say you ARE worth more than that and you DO deserve so much more. Do not ever doubt that. But you need to take these emotions and decide if you’re going to let them suffocate you, or you need to realize you’ve already wasted enough time in this relationship and you will take this negativity and fuel it into a better, stronger you.
Coming out of a toxic relationship you will feel lost. You will not know who you are because there were countless number of times you lost yourself along the way in this relationship, and there will be times that you think everything is your fault. You will think there is more you could have done to keep this person happy or you could have reacted to a situation differently to make the outcome better, but none of this is true. Everything you did was more than enough, this person was not appreciative and made it their mission to manipulate you and turn you into their puppet. Give yourself time. Time to find yourself again, time to rebuild relationships you lost, time to learn to love again (others and yourself) and give yourself time to forgive. The day you forgive this person and accept an apology you will probably never get is the day you start to move on with your life. You do not deserve to walk around with that much hate in your heart, so let it go. It will be so worth it. You are so worth it.
So to everyone trying to escape or currently recovering from a toxic relationship, please stay strong. Do not give in to the dark times that follow the break up. Your abuser feeds off of seeing you weak and vulnerable, fight back with all that you’ve got. Come to terms with everything that happened, accept all demons that come along the way and move on. You can escape, but who you become after the fact and whether you let the past define your future all comes down to you.
You’ve got this.
