Tough relationships -- we all have them. But what do they leave you with? Sure, they leave you with a lot of heartbreak, but what do they leave you believing about yourself? It burdens my heart so much to see the lies other people can make people believe about themselves. Here are a few lies I found people believing after and/or during a bad relationship -- myself included.
1. "I can change them."
First and foremost, you cannot change another person. I repeat -- you cannot change another person. This is the first red flag. You should never go into a relationship with intentions to change someone because it will continually leave you disappointed. People aren’t going to change without willingness and conviction, and those two things are to be brought on by the Holy Spirit. Guard your heart and don’t try to be their savior, because quite frankly you can’t be.
2. "If I don’t exploit my body, I will never be loved.”
I once came across a quote from a letter Charlie Chaplin wrote to his daughter. It said, “Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.” I was going through a time where I firmly believed this lie. Due to unfortunate circumstances, this was the lie that stuck with me the most. It shaped the way I dressed, viewed my self worth, talked to people, and talked about myself. It skewed the order in which I believed love happened. Let me tell you this… you are more than a body, and I promise, someone will come along that realizes that.
3."My spouse will not have waited until marriage, so why should I?”
When a relationship is heavily dependent on the physical, the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex seems nearly impossible. You begin to lose hope in the idea that your spouse will have waited for you, so you give yourself away without a second thought. If purity is something you want to maintain, pursue it. Choose a partner that will help you guard that. If you have already lost purity, don’t lose heart. Work on maintaining and establishing a pure heart to offer your future spouse.
4. "They’re just jealous because they love me.”
Of course there are certain boundaries that go along with being in a relationship to guard the other person’s heart, like not being alone with the opposite sex. However, if boundaries turn into isolation, that is a huge red flag. Truly loving someone does not make him or her your property.
5. "They love me and know that hurt me, so they won’t do it again.”
Understand this. If someone hurts you once, talk about it. Communication is key in relaying expectations in a relationship. However, if something hurts you again and again and again, stop thinking that “maybe next time it will be different”. If someone wanted to change they would. As hard as it is to hear, if they cared about how much it was hurting you, they would stop.
6. "I need to change if I want this to work.”
Don’t let someone make you second guess the validity of your emotions. If something hurts, it’s not something you need to change. Everyone deserves to be with someone who is willing to guard his or her heart.
7. "This relationship is all I can get, so this treatment is all I deserve.”
This lie doesn’t even need an explanation… it’s just not true.
8. "I’m not treated like my friends, so there must be something wrong with me.”
When you believe the last lie, it’s easy to fall into this one. The realm of comparison is a dangerous place to fall into. You start comparing yourself to your friends, the other person’s friends, and generally other people of the same sex. Understand and accept your worth. Invest in understanding what Christ says about you.
9. "I can’t even pray. I’m too filthy.”
When your relationship puts a barrier between you and God, you shouldn’t be in it. Sin is often defined as anything that hinders relationship with God. Your relationship may fall into sexual impurity, idolatry, and so on. These things can make it hard to imagine that God would take you as you are, so you fall back on the person connected to the sin. The truth is, God will love you wherever you are and in whatever season you’re going through. Remember that the struggle is only temporary. Pray when it’s hard to face Him -- He desires relationship with you.
10. "I’ve invested so much. I can’t get out now.”
This lie, I believe, is the culmination of all of them. This is where you are realizing the hurt that has resulted from the relationship, begin questioning your worth, understanding that you don’t have to deal with it, but doubt your ability to move forward. You don’t know how to face God because you don’t know how to dethrone the relationship. Let go of it and let God provide for you. He won’t give His children a stone for bread.
11. "If I could just get into a relationship with a good person, I’ll have found the one.”
I’m just going to say it. You can still settle in a godly relationship. You can still settle for “Ms. Perfect” or a “Prince Charming.” Seek out someone that is going to compliment you, push you, and strive for goals with you… Not someone that looks good (on and off paper).
