“It’s times like these that I used to be a lot closer to God. Well, I’ve got friends that don’t know Him at all and when I miss him, well it’s a shame that they don’t know what they’re missing.” --Levi the Poet

I grew up the daughter of two loving parents in a very Christian home. They made sure to instilled the love of God in my brother and I (and later my younger sister) from a young age. Every Sunday and every Wednesday, we were in church. They tried their hardest to teach me just how much God loves me and how special I am. So naturally being a child, I assumed that was all faith was, knowing that I was special and loved by God. Somehow throughout the years that sweet message perverted itself to "God only loves you if you're special." And I wasn't. Or at least I felt like I wasn't. I grew to become calloused and numb. I grew to hate myself.

“I stepped out the front door and tossed up my keys to find myself in a closet stuffed with all of my insecurities, and all of the things that I’m ashamed of, and every broken memory that I keep to cut my wrists — and be it vain or be it pity, well I know that I still bleed.” --Levi the Poet

I don't remember the first time I cut myself and I thank the Lord for that. My recovery has been amazing but there was this one moment that I remember very distinctly. I was upset for some reason and I had convinced myself that no one cared about me and they never will. I was laying in bed crying and I found myself walking downstairs in the middle of the night to my kitchen and grabbing a steak knife. Scared of being caught, I ran back up to my room and locked the door. Sitting on the floor, I just held the knife against my skin. I remember my heart racing but not in fear but in excitement. I was eager to see my blood, to feel a pain that I could control. I remember not wanting to cut my wrist so I cut my thigh so no one could find out. The first few cuts were always superficial. Warm ups. With each cut, it got deeper and deeper until there was just a puddle of blood on me. I kept this up for a few years. I almost got caught a couple of times but to this day my parents still don't know and I don't want them to. It would hurt them too much.

“I know every word to every song about despair, and I keep the album on repeat to keep me there.” --Levi the Poet

Around this time in my life, I had recently got plugged into a new church. Everything on the surface was going great. You know how you never really get deep with people? Well, I met this girl who we instantly clicked. We didn't look like we had that much in common and we probably looked like an odd pair but she honestly was my best friend. We talked about everything and anything. We were struggling with the same issues except she was more vocal about her pain and I kept everything to myself. She knew me and I knew her and in a twisted way, things were working out in my favor. Eventually, everyone found out she self-harmed, she got help, I didn't. I was alone again.

“I prayed and prayed for a salve that would heal the pain in my heart, and once the wound was held together, I pulled the stitching apart.” --Levi the Poet

So I did what every Christian knows to do in times of trouble. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I was still in church and I still believed that God was out there. There was just a disconnect. There was nothing tethering us together. I knew in my mind, but didn't believe in my heart. I wish I could explain how lonely I felt until one day it clicked. I still to this day don't understand the saving power of God's grace.

“My God is only as big as I let him be and I am not gonna limit my God with my disbelief. My God has always, always been there for me and I am not gonna limit my God with uncertainty.” --Levi the Poet

Much later in my life, I somehow stumbled my way onto a video. I was just getting into the art of spoken word poetry when in my suggested videos I see "Levi the Poet- Resentment."

“It’s like the spirit answered all of my prayers, and now I resent him for it. Well, I used to take so much time for myself to just sit and be silent, I haven’t heard that sound in years, but I’ve replaced it with a lot of voices that claimed to be God.” --Levi the Poet

Those were the opening words. I watched mesmerized as this white boy with stretched ears and tattoos yelled for six minutes. I watched as he so eloquently said all the things I could never vocalize. I remember clicking replay over and over again. I felt like Levi was getting his material directly out of my soul. You know how you feel when you're excited and you have to tell everyone about it? Well, I told everyone about Levi. I played him. I sent links. I remember telling my brother about finding him and he simply said, "Oh, yeah, I've been watching him for years now. He's pretty good but I could do without the yelling." But that's the thing! I loved the yelling. I loved the raw emotion. I loved that he knew me. I watched Resentment until I could recite every word and even after that, it wasn't enough.

The funny thing is, he really isn't all that special. I guess it's true when they say "not all heroes wear capes." His name is Levi McAllister and he's from Albuquerque, New Mexico. He had a fairly normal upbringing, his dad was a preacher and he had a loving sister. He always loved writing but his life took a turn when his dad committed suicide in 2011. He then became an advocate for mental health awareness and suicide prevention. His poetry combines issues of faith, love, sexuality, mental illness, addiction, and abuse; all of which he is personally familiar with.

I was in love…until I found out he was married. And then I fell in love with his wife too. With every new video, I felt like someone really truly understood what I was going through.

I know this sounds so cheesy, but in a way his transparency and his faith saved my life. His way with words were beautiful and just spoke to me like nothing have before. Every time he smiled, I smiled and every time he cried, I cried. He made me realize so much about myself and the brokenness of sin and how the glory of God is indescribable and incomparable.

I have yet to see him in concert, but he is coming to Atlanta this summer so friends, be prepare to hear me talk about that experience for the rest of my life.

And for the rest of you, I'm sorry if my tweeting Levi the Poet quotes gets on your nerves or you're tired of hearing me talk about him, you're just going to have to deal with it. Or don't mind me. I'm sure Levi has a few kinder words for you.

Listen to his poetry and fall in love with him.