From the time young men are born, there is a set protocol for how to act, dress, walk, talk, and breathe. It all translates to one fundamental, “golden” rule—don’t be weak and don’t show emotions that aren’t anger, stoicism, or mild happiness. If a “man” does have an emotion outside of the three they are allotted, they are either a pussy or a raging homo.

Bearing this weight is deadly. Being confined to a box of acceptable emotions is overwhelming for anyone, and it has deadly consequences. Men kill themselves at a 4:1 ratio when compared to women. Researchers attribute the vast disparity in suicides to social constructions of masculinity and traditional gender roles. Though some may dismiss these findings as “liberal fluff,” there is objectively a serious problem between vulnerability and Westernized ideas of masculinity. The question remains, if you must present yourself as a strong, unemotional man for the entirety of a lifetime, how is there any room for connection?

For any relationship to form, romantic or platonic, there is one thing that is needed, a connection. Connectivity is very subjective, what makes two people connect is different from person to person. However, there is an underlying human connection with vulnerability and rapport. Think back to a time where a friend or a partner opened up about an emotional topic. After an empathic talk, did you look down on them and think they were less of a person? Absolutely not; if anything, it solidified your friendship or relationship and made it even stronger. Vulnerability allows trust to form and usually follows patterns of reciprocity. If you are brave enough to share a personal moment of your life, I should be able to do the same. Deeply rooted connection with people who have earned the right to hear our stories is therapeutic.

Turn your attention to the phrase “earned the right.” We’ve all been there when some stranger discloses their entire life story in the bathroom of a dive bar, and you struggle between feeling uncomfortable and empathic. Researcher Brené Brown, defines this expression as floodlighting, or, expelling deep and personal information about oneself in a quick and manipulative manner, as a way to justify that people do not care about your emotions or life. The people who should earn the right to hear your story should be a limited number of individuals, not your entire Facebook friend list. Relationships are complex and what you might find vulnerable may be completely different to what someone else may find vulnerable; however, if you’re not willing to put in the work to explore the lives of those close to you, you’ll be left in the dark.

Let’s be clear about something: you can’t claim to be in a healthy, long-lasting relationship if you don’t share every part of yourself with someone. I don’t care if you can cry at The Notebook with your significant other and justify that as your “vulnerability session” for the year. While, yes, this may be a stepping-stone to an eventual vulnerability revelation, real connection and intimacy come from understanding your partner in all facets of their past, present, and future.

It takes a lot of confidence to open up about emotional topics or revisit traumatic/vulnerable past events. It’s not an easy process, sometimes it will suck, and it might take years of hard work. It’ll involve relearning everything you thought you knew about how to be a man, but it will be so worth it in the end.