I do not remember the actual day I fell in love. But I do remember falling hard, long and passionately. It completely changed everything about me. Everyone else around me meant nothing. All the nice smiles and people who came into my life eventually were not fulfilling, and I felt empty. I always was empty. Without her, finding happiness was tough.
After a while, I would convince myself I was OK without this person. Every time, I proved myself wrong. Over and over, I was wrong. I was not OK. In fact, I was broken. I couldn’t be with the person. I couldn’t hold their hand or kiss their cheek. We would never fight in the car, and then kiss and make up after. We would never get annoyed with the little things the other person does. We would never go for late night drives or hold each other at night. We would never grow together. For many, life moves on and maybe that’s true. But to me, that is a tragedy because there’s only one life and there’s only one her.
No one could replace her snarky and sarcastic comments. No one could replace her freckles or the way she would shut her eyes when she laughed so hard. No one could replace how I looked at her in a room full of people, wanting to kiss her on the cheek and tell everybody how completely beautiful and amazing she was. I wanted to show her off to the world and the thought of her drove me crazy. She kept me up at night. She made me cry and hate her. She made me laugh and love her. I don’t think I could ever love anybody the way I loved her.
However, she was toxic and dragged me down. She was like a weight on my leg while trying to swim in an ocean. She was sinking me to the bottom, and I couldn't breathe. Water would fill my lungs and, sometimes, I liked how it felt. I liked her bad side and the messy relationship we had. Except it was ruining me, and after a while the water filled my lungs completely, and I would be left broken. I'm tired of feeling broken. I'm tired of hoping that when I hit the bottom she will save me and put the air back into my lungs. I just wait at the bottom. She is nowhere to be found and I am lost. So hopelessly, tragically lost without my love.
I sat at the bottom countless times with no regrets of giving her another chance... and another. After all, "Love means giving chances when they're no more chances to give" as quoted from one of my favorite characters on "One Tree Hill." Whatever she did, all I could see was my desire to be with her. She would apologize anyways and that's all that mattered.
Letting go of my toxic love has benefited me in so many ways. I'm no longer slowly sinking. I can breathe. Cutting the rope was the hardest thing I've ever done but if I never did, I'm not sure where I would be. I could still be waiting at the bottom wasting time, waiting. Waiting for her to love me back. Waiting for something that always broke me to break me again.
I'm no longer sinking and the view is amazing. The breeze hits my face. It's chilling, but not like the cold at the bottom. It's different. I'm free.
