Whenever I struggle with things my first initial reaction is to lean on friends and family. I want comfort and to feel like I belong and am safe. I always want people there because if I’m alone I’m scared of what is going to happen... am I going to do something I may regret? Am I going to fall back into things that I know aren’t best for me but are always the easiest thing to fall back into or am I going to do the hard thing. Am I going to let myself feel whatever emotion it is that I’m feeling and trust in the fact that God is holding me.

I’m going to go very real for a second here and so please stay with me.

Over this winter break I have had a lot of things change and it has been a real struggle for me. One of my best friends who I now consider my brother left the country to go back to Morocco. I’m happy for him honestly but I miss the kid to death. There have been health issues and things I didn’t see coming that I was blindsided with and sometimes that’s what it takes, it takes being blindsided and having the wind knocked out of you to finally see that you’re living in the wrong way and I feel like that is what happened. Then the hardest one. My boyfriend and I went on a break.

Now let’s just talk about how much this sucks. He is my person and he was my best friend. I talked to him all the time, saw him almost every day and honestly was the happiest when I was with him but then it felt like everything hit the ground and I broke. Not just slightly feeling like it hurt but I felt like my heart was thrown onto highway 10 in Huston, Texas and driven over during five o’clock traffic hurt.

So, while I was sitting in my hotel room only wanting to talk to him and having myself a lovely little pity party I realized that this was the issue…. I wasn’t allowing myself to feel it and on top of that I wasn’t allowing God to use it. Now I have been through a lot in my life and I should know by now that if I am struggling and I don’t know how to do something or I don’t know what to do with something I just need to actually pray, turn my focus on God and that usually when I hit this point it’s because I hadn’t been turning my focus to him for a while now and this was his way of getting me back.

I don’t know what is coming, heck I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow but what I do know is that I am not in control and as terrifying as that is for me and trust me I struggle a lot and argue a lot with God on wanting control, I don’t have it. He does. Thankfully I can rest in that and rest in knowing that no matter what happens I will be okay.

We go back to our little home away from home in less than two weeks so, while you are still not there if you think about it begin praying for it, pray for the people, professors, administrators, and everything that goes on at that school. Pray for the student’s hearts because so many of them are hurting and if it feels even half as bad as this I can’t even imagine. Pray for the families of these students because we don’t know their home life and we don’t know how hard that could be for them.