Ever since I can remember, I have preferred to sit in the middle seat. As strange as it may seem, I would rather spend hour-long road trips and plane rides in the tightest and most uncomfortable position than to spend the journey in isolation. As long as I was in the middle seat, I knew there was no way I could be left out of a conversation. I felt happier being in the center of everyone around me, assured that I would never miss a thing: I would be in on every joke and part of every moment.

This incessant need to feel included comes from my fear of missing out (or FOMO). Any time my friends spend time together without me or have fun when I’m not there, my heart sinks: all I can think about is the fact that I will never be part of the memories they are making. Throughout high school, anytime my friends were together, I felt like I needed to be there.

I would stay late after school just to hang out with everyone, attend every hangout my friends planned and would go crazy if I didn’t. Even the most insignificant moments became ones that I was terrified of missing.

My obsessive FOMO only got worse when I first came to college. All of a sudden, I was surrounded by new friends I needed to make and fun things I needed to do in order to make my college experience the best it could be. I knew I was supposed to be having the best time of my life, and I was terrified of missing an opportunity to make a new friend or to have a great time.

When I think of my freshman year, I remember the unforgettable nights of going out with new people, pulling all-nighters just to hang out with them and spending hours getting to know each other. But, I am also reminded of how exhausted I felt and how I rarely stopped to take care of myself. I had put all of my energy into spending time with others and was too terrified of being isolated to take the time to rest and be alone.

When I decided to study abroad in Paris last year, I knew that I would have to get over my irrational fear. When I arrived, a part of me still felt the same anxiety of being away from my friends while they spent the semester together. Even though I met new people and was having an amazing time, I was crushed when I watched the Snapchat story of a friend in New York. In those moments, I would forget that I was having an incredible time in Paris by myself.

Instead of enjoying my own experiences, I became distracted by the ones I knew I wasn’t a part of. Yet, being away from my life in New York helped me focus on being present in my own life rather than thinking of other people. My semester in Paris allowed me to grow by myself, to make my own memories, and to feel comfortable in the fact that sometimes I would have to miss out.

Although I still find it difficult to turn down certain plans and to be excluded from memories with my friends, I know that it’s impossible for me to be a part of everything and that that’s okay. While obsessing over what I might have missed out on, I was missing out on enjoying the memories I was making by myself.

Whenever I feel like FOMO may be getting to me, I remind myself to stop looking at Snapchat and trying to be included in everything. After all, maybe there’s a reason the middle seat is the least comfortable.