Hey, To Myself At 16-Years-Old, Listen Up

Hey, To Myself At 16-Years-Old, Listen Up

You'll soon start to forget these memories anyway, because you'll soon realize much better moments are to come worth remembering.
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Dear Sharen,

You're about to start your junior year of high school. You aren't in the happiest state of your life, and I know. Just remember, things get better. Things get better if you really want it to. Don't cut your hair again.

You've had a rough break up and you've lost all the girl friends you've had due to this break up along with your over thinking and anxiety. No one wants to talk to someone who is constantly dragging them down because you are broken up. This is high school, not college. Friends don't give a shit about you until you get older, they really don't. They care about their image more than anything in these years.

College is where you find better friends. I'm telling you right now, people in college are all out on their own just like you will be. People will be more considerate when you're older. Don't lose hope in the term "friends". Your guy friends will all change. Guys are easy to get along with, true, but that does not mean they deserve the title as your best guy friends. You can find guy friends everywhere. Don't settle or it'll make you feel like you never want to leave home.

You shouldn't be so hung up on this guy who just broke up with you. You are making yourself believe that you are in love with him because of how much he's getting under your skin. That isn't how this works. You're about to date two guys who are amazing and deserve your attention, don't use them. Sure you love his family, but you are making yourself believe this is the only guy you'll ever find, that this is the only family that you'll ever meet. He isn't the only fish in the whole damn sea. You guys will get back together, but it honestly comes with delaying your life.

Appreciate your mom and your dad. Stop blaming them and their divorce for everything. You may want to be 16 forever, always under their aide, but once you're older, you WILL regret not humanizing them earlier. Everyone's the same age eventually... meaning dealing with the same problems. Dealing with trying to get the best deals, trying to be healthy in every day choices, struggling to make that last final paycheck last. Money runs the world, so don't waste your parent's money. Go out and find something to occupy yourself right now, rather than hanging out with friends. There's more to life than them. You'll soon start to forget these memories anyway, because you'll soon realize much better moments are to come worth remembering. Also, stop blaming them for yourself not being good in school because no one ever pushed you. You'll realize that your stubborn self is the only reason why you didn't end high school with a good GPA.

Explore, but don't explore too much. Just focus on school, I'm not shitting you. You're gonna get so caught up in loving the young adolescent life, partying and staying out late, that you aren't going to think you are good enough to go to a four-year university right out of high school. Honestly, you're going to regret it by the time you graduate community college, getting all A's, because you realized you could have been this good in academics in high school if you gave a shit about it earlier. But, it's not a bad thing to stay in cosmetology and go to that community college. Just know, that you will regret it a little bit for not being able to learn at your amazing university longer.

The next chapter of your life after letting go of the past is going to bring you to write something like this. It's going to bring you so much happiness that you're going to be a little saddened you hadn't figured it out sooner. Adulting isn't scary. It isn't going to ruin your young spirit. The only thing that's going to ruin you is holding yourself back because of everyone else besides you. You will get the chance to find yourself. You think you've found yourself already, but you haven't. You aren't a badass. You know absolutely nothing besides hate and depression.

Challenge yourself. Fast forward to 6 years and you ARE on the pursuit of being total badass material. Take my advice, and you'll probably be even greater with an awesome boyfriend who pushes you to be your absolute best, with many jobs lined up and a better sense of self. If not, you'll be just fine.

Sincerely,

You in 6 years.

Cover Image Credit: Wikimedia

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved
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To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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If He Says 'You Make Me Want To Be A Better Person,' Remember It's NOT A Compliment

No one should be relying on another person to make them better people.

bethkrat
bethkrat
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A lot of us have been there; he smiles at you sweetly, gives you a look that could melt your heart, and you let yourself fall into the kindness.

He tells you, "you're such a good person; you make me want to be better."

Your heart is a flutter, you're drowning in the sickly sweetness of what you take as one of the nicest things someone has ever told you. It's so easy to read it as though it's an admirable thing for anyone to say, but the reality is, no one should be held liable for making you want to be a decent human being except yourself.

It's one thing for people to bring out the best in each other.

When you find your happy place in the company of the people you love most in life, that's one of the greatest things in the world. That example of the "bettering" of one another comes organically. But to only find a desire to be kinder, more selfless, more decent because another person is kind, selfless, and decent is putting way too much liability on the other person, and it means not taking responsibility for yourself.

By telling me that I'm the reason he wants to be a better person, he's putting me on a pedestal that I cannot possibly live up to all the time.

He's holding me liable for his desire to stop his negative behaviors rather than it coming from a true desire to be better. If being with me or around me is the only reason he's decided he needs to get his act together and start being a decent human being, I'm here to tell him that he should really reevaluate.

Because what happens when we break up?

What happens if we have a falling out for some reason or another, and I'm not longer in his life to "inspire" him to be better? His desire to be better disappears alongside me, because his desire never really came from his heart anyway. He go back to the same negative behavior that he had in the first place unless he came come to the realization that being a good person has to come from a real desire within.

I don't have the time to pander to people who can't take responsibility for their actions.

It shouldn't have to be my job to show anyone what being a decent human being looks like. His parents should have instilled that in him when they were raising him, and if not that, he should have been able to recognize elsewhere what kindness and decency looked like in other people so that he could emulate it himself. If he's a grown adult who says he didn't recognize what being good meant until he met you, that says more about him than it does about you.

The point of all of this is simple; it is an extremely important life lesson to learn that you are not responsible for anyone's actions and feelings except for your own.

You are not accountable for the decisions someone else makes, and that's the truth. No one is dating someone with the intent on raising him and teaching him how to behave or exist as a functionally member of society, and no one should have to.

I'm not saying it's a red flag to hear it. Often times it is said with good intentions and sometimes it is meant in the organic sort of way I mentioned before. But my advice if you're ever told this; think about it. Consider it a pink flag, one that makes you do some evaluating before you smile bigly and accept the comment as though it is a badge of honor.

Above all, hold people responsible for their own actions and don't let them make you feel responsible instead.

bethkrat
bethkrat

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