Dear SUNY Potsdam seagulls,

Much to our dismay, every student at SUNY Potsdam is well acquainted with your species. We call you seagulls, but since SUNY Potsdam is not near a sea, you must technically be some other sort of gull. However, we, the students of SUNY Potsdam, do not see you as gulls. We see you as vermin that eat everything in sight and poop wherever you please. You squawk at students as they walk to class. You squawk at other seagulls to assert dominance. As I write this letter to you, I hear you passionately squawking at humans with food outside of the Barrington Student Union. I can understand why you love our food since PACES is a great dining service, but it’s quite rude to squawk at students like that. To put it bluntly, your behavior is pretty annoying. I know that you will not understand my English, as you only communicate in squawking gull language, but nevertheless, I must profess how disgusting you overweight flying rodents are.

You rats with wings are the worst alarm clock ever. “SQUAWK! SQUAWK!” I hear from my bed, at 7 a.m. on a Saturday. You wake me up before I want to get up. On weekdays, you wake me up 30 minutes before my alarm. When I so desperately need sleep, you thieves deprive me. I am forced to shuffle around campus all day like a zombie.

Even worse than the noise you make is the fact that you use unsuspecting students for target practice. Why can’t you just poop on a car like normal birds? Why must you use students as your own personal restroom? We are not toilets. I repeat, we are not toilets. Once, I received a Snapchat depicting the aftermath of one of your many daily assaults. Poop was splattered all over the jacket of a student. Poop… everywhere… So. Much. Poop. It’s revolting.

Also revolting, is the fact that you spend all day hovering over garbage cans. You actually eat garbage. Your dumpster diving escapades go so far that you even put items in your mouth that are not supposed to go anywhere near a mouth of any species.

Your violence is another one of your traits that we humans are disturbed by. Once, I witnessed one of your species fighting a squirrel. Yes, fighting a squirrel. Why must you physically attack other species? You use humans as bathrooms and squirrels as brawling partners. These issues really need to be resolved.

I can see absolutely no upside to your existence. You’re like leeches in that you use people for your own personal gain. The only difference between you flying rat creatures and leeches is that leeches can actually be useful in medical procedures and you cannot. People do not rub a gull on you before a skin transplant.

Even though, as I mentioned before, you cannot read this strongly worded letter because of your bird-brained level of intelligence, I hope that somehow you will understand how I feel. The only word I know you will understand is, "mine." because you think everything belongs to you. You think this world exists solely for your savage species. In summation, I leave you with this video clip. Perhaps once you watch it, you will see yourselves for what you really are: "rats with wings."