I see the look in your eyes. I pass you by in the hallway every single day, trying my hardest not to give myself away. My heartbeat comes to a halt and I avert my eyes. Occasionally our eyes lock, making the ends of my hairs stand tall and stiff. Day after day I think of all the possible things I should say to you, and even now I still do. I don’t have the courage to though, because in my mind you still haven’t let go of the past. You still see the third grader inside of me: immature, impulsive, revolting, an outsider. I was nothing more than a slab of meat waiting to be pummeled by your words, your lies. You weren’t the only one, and you aren’t the only one who still resents me. Many of my peers still see the kid inside of me. My body may have grown, but my mind is far from that, according to you.

My patience is thin like ice, for even the slightest touch will shatter me into pieces. Fire twirls in my irises, trying to burn your soul, melt your mind, claim your fear as mine. My skin is razor sharp, protecting me from icy comfort and shallow lies. My hair is wild and unbalanced, falling into broken ends, which is funny since my life to you is nothing but a jumbled mess. I was once beautiful to you. You once loved me, at least that’s what I was told. Only when my soul bled on the concrete did you turn your head in disgust. How many times I cried all those years ago I can’t begin to count. My eyes still twitch thinking about the tears I cried in vain, never allowing anyone to wipe them away. It wasn’t all your fault; in fact a lot of it was mine. I thought of you as my enemy. I treated you like sh*t, in fact I treated you all like sh*t. I was so confused, so lost in the world. I was blind, for I could not see your faces full of pain, suffering, disgust until it was too late. I was deaf, for I could not hear the voices of ones who truly cared for me until it was too late. I was ignorant and stubborn, only hearing the words I wanted to hear and seeing only what I wanted to see. We both were like this. All of us were like this. We were kids! Very few are mature enough at the age of eight or nine to comprehend a situation and to think like an adult. We were living the life of a normal kid, yet I felt different somehow. Negativity lodged itself down my throat and spread like wildfire inside me, blackening my blood, freezing my heart. I would cry myself to sleep sometimes and would think of ways to end my life. When I was a little girl I was in love with you for some time. You used to drive me insane and the thought of you not loving me back at that moment sent me into a pit of despair. What made matters worse were the words you spoke to me. No matter how hard I tried to remain strong your words of hatred clung to my heart.

But eventually we both grew up. I can see faces once again, their emotions flying into my heart, resounding in my ears and bouncing in my head. I can hear every word now, and while some words are not kind, most are. I am still ignorant and stubborn, but ignorance and stubbornness are things that never leave a human’s side. However, we have the ability to stretch them thin and to casually throw them off to the side for a much more positive and brilliant lifestyle. I have done so to the best of my ability, and I will continue to until the end of my time. So why can’t you? Have I not done enough to prove to you that I am not so little anymore? Sure I am only five-foot-two, but that doesn’t mean I am small on the inside. My heart is gigantic and golden, or at least I try to make it so. I try my hardest to be humble and kind, for that’s what most people know me for now. I have let the past go, knowing that the past does not define me. The me I was yesterday is not the me I am today, and the me I am today will not be the me you see tomorrow. Allow me to explain myself. People change every year, every month, every week, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. We are influenced by the words we see and hear, the sounds that flood our ears, the sensations we feel, you name it. You and I both changed. Time is constantly eating at us, diffusing throughout our veins and slowly changing our flesh and blood. You changed in my eyes. Your past self washed away and I saw a new you, but only what you showed me. Your eyes still hold that same resentment and confusion. You have no idea how badly I want that look to disappear.

I have changed. Everyone else who bullied me as a child has forgiven me to some extent. Silent agreements of acquaintanceship have been formed and sometimes they blossom into unlikely friendships, but with you it seems impossible. Dear, I am ready to move on, and I have accepted who you are, but are you willing to let the past me go? Can you not find it in your heart to forgive me for the sins I committed as a child? Who do you see when our eyes meet? Do you see a young woman trying to survive harsh reality or do you see a little girl you thought you once knew but never had the guts to get to know? I’m in no position to talk either, I know, but at least I’m finally coming clean. I’m tired of letting past experiences get in the way of possible friendships. Let go of the past; it’s not as hard as it sounds if you have the right mindset. The past isn’t something that I’ll let haunt me. The past is a backbone for me, preventing me from falling into a bottomless abyss that swallows everything in darkness. My past is meant to push me forward and remind me of times that I don’t ever want to go back to and times that I need to reminisce and bring forth once again. Please find it in your heart to do the same for me. I’m begging you, and if you choose not to that’s okay. Just please stop seeing me as the little girl you tormented and feared at the same time. I’m much more than that.