I have gone through the words I would say to you if I had the chance...
How I might tell you that our relationship shook me to my core; had me questioning who I was and what my worth was. How I wondered what I could have possibly done to deserve to be treated the way you treated me.
Maybe you didn't realize how bad things got; how toxic our relationship had become. Maybe you thought it had stayed as amazing as it was in the beginning.
In the beginning, we talked for hours on the phone; about the music we liked, telling each other funny stories, and we had deep talks about real things. I appreciated that you recognized I was still working through things from my past, and I understood that you had a lot on your plate. We both recognized we were very different, but the way we connected made it feel like this was "meant to be." We both decided that no matter what came our way, we wanted to stick by each other. You quickly became my best friend, my go-to, and my rock.
And then what happened... why did everything change?
It was like a switch had flipped, and we were fighting everyday- about things that didn't even matter. There were no longer conversations about things we disagreed on, but an argument because you didn't want to hear me out. This led to your numerous angry outbursts which I would then end up forgiving you for your harsh words and rude comments. I started making excuses for your actions, and tried to tell myself "this time, it'll change." I tried to look past the double-standards you had created in our relationship, how you could but I couldn't. I desperately tried to make you happy, but it was hard when I was constantly walking on eggshells. I gave you second and third chances... hoping that it might go back to how it was in the beginning.
Till finally one day I couldn't do it anymore.
And I broke.
I didn't even recognize myself in the short span that we had been together.
The strong person I once was felt so weak. My soft heart was now hard, filled with anger, hurt, and frustration. My trusting mindset was now overly cautious, my light-hearted spirit became heavy and drained. I was constantly on edge... feeling restless and tense.
So when I started realizing the person I had become... I started wondering if maybe I was the problem. I mean, you don't blow up on someone for no reason, right?
Of course I know I wasn't perfect in our relationship, but I had thought that I was doing my best. But maybe I wasn't understanding enough. Maybe I pushed you to the edge, maybe I aggravated you and stressed you out. Maybe I gave you an excuse to cheat on me, maybe I gave you good reasons to blow up on me.
And the scariest thought-
Maybe I was unworthy of love.
Maybe I was unworthy of love, and you saw that.
This set me on a path of self-destruction; making decisions that I wouldn't normally make, finding my worth and value in temporary happiness; numbing the pain anyway I could, and hiding behind closed doors because of shame and guilt. I no longer knew who I was, and I was scared that I was broken beyond repair.
Working through this concept was a process and is still a process I am working through. But I have come to the conclusion that it was not that I am unworthy of love; it's that you did not know how to love me correctly.
Pure love is filled with genuineness, honesty, fairness, compromise, understanding, kindness, and gentleness.
Your love was filled with manipulation, control, hurtfulness, double-standards, and impatience.
And I did not deserve this kind of love that you had to give.
Once I realized this, I felt the broken pieces start to come back together- and my heart softening. I felt free and light-hearted, and I felt the happiness and color coming back into my life. I could breathe again; I was becoming the person I once was.
I now know who I am, what I want, and more importantly, what I deserve. I know that I am worthy of pure love. And I no longer blame myself for your actions; but I do realize you are human and you made some mistakes, just as I have.
I know that you haven't apologized and probably never will; because somehow in that mind of yours, you think that you have done absolutely nothing wrong. But still, I want you to know that someday I will forgive you for the pain you brought into my life.
But I do want to thank you.
Thank you for showing me what a man is not. Thank you helping me realize what I don't deserve, and what I shouldn't put up with. Thank you for helping me come to terms with the fact that not all people have good intentions. Thank you for finally letting go of the control, and allowing me to move on.
And I hope that you have learned. I hope you have learned that manipulation won't always work, and anger is no way to deal with things. I hope you have learned how to treat a woman with respect, and that every person has feelings. I hope you have learned how to love, and love purely.
Those are the words I would say to you if I had the chance. But the truth is, I don't want that chance. I don't want to reminisce with you about how our relationship broke me.
Because I'm healing. And it's time for me to focus on me, and who I am. And I am a girl that rises above.