Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

You left me when I needed you the most.

It didn't matter to you if I was 13 weeks pregnant, it didn't matter that to you that I lost my baby, nothing mattered to you. And although that's one of the hardest things I will ever have to accept, I accept it. This month has been hell, this week I was supposed to be 16 weeks, I would have gone to the OB and they would have told me it was a boy. And although we are young, but you could have done more for me when I was pregnant. You didn't have to yell at me over the phone telling me I'm an idiot for not having an abortion. You didn't have to tell me everyday you saw me while I was pregnant that I was ruining your life and mine. You could have been kinder to me, you should've been kinder and more supportive.

Regardless of your age, regardless of your thoughts of me, regardless of your relationship status, that was your baby and you never showed an ounce of compassion for him, not once, not even when he was gone. Remember how I would make you put your hand on my tummy? I did that just so maybe you could somehow care about him, but you’d just pull away. But you just hated the thought of him existing. I know this because when he wasn't there anymore, you had the audacity to text me asking me not to talk about him to you since you didn't have to deal with him anymore, the same day they took him out of me.

I just don’t understand how you can just say that, to stop talking about him, Regardless of you hating him you could have at least waited a day to say that to me, that was unhuman of you. I should be so angry, I am so angry for your awfulness during the pregnancy and after the miscarriage, but frankly that doesn't benefit me, it's consuming holding that anger and hate in my heart. I always think back to that night in your father's house and how this situation could have been avoided, but I got to see my son, I got to meet him through a picture and he was beautiful, I got to hear his heart. I chose to keep him because I actually loved him. I was ready to fast forward 10 years into my life and grow the hell up, I was ready to give him a life, although his “father” wasn't, but they took him away from me and in all honesty I was kind of a relief. But I don’t feel guilt for feeling relief, I was ready to raise my baby and I accepted the fact that he was coming in 6 months, but you? You just left.

I invited you to the ultrasounds, you either never responded to my invite or never showed up. I get that you might have not given a tiny bit of fuck about this baby, but you claimed to care about me, And claimed to love me a lot at some point, so I don't understand, that night I told you I lost him over a text only because you wouldn't pick up my calls, you said nothing and you never a texted me back, well not until your mother made you call me back. So no, you never “loved me”, you don't know what love is because you wouldn't have treated me like this. You've made your mind up on the person I am, I'm a hoe, according to you. I thought you weren't ever going to talk to me after we lost him, but no you do, you have the audacity to call me a hoe, you judge what I do and it's a small school so it's not like I can just never see you again. I wrote you how many letters? All of them begging you to step up, begging you to be a better person because the person I fell in love with and slept with is not the same person I'm writing letter.

You've changed, you've become everything I thought you would not be. The person I knew would have never disrespected me and push me against a wall knowing I was pregnant. You wouldn't have let me grieve the lost of my child all by myself. I could write these letters over and over again begging you to change begging you to understand my point of view but that won't change anything. I could scream at the top the top of my lungs and tell you how much you hurt me but you don't care. I could hate you. I could keep that hatred for you deep inside of me, but I am the only one who cares that it exists, and hate would just consume my heart away, so why would I allow you to break me even more. Hating you would just be another way of holding on to you.

But it wasn't all your fault, I have to admit it. I did something wrong too, I threaten to take my son away from your life and the first time I made that threat you cried, but the last time I made that threat you agreed, you were so willing to leave his life, maybe you just didn't care anymore about him, I'm not sure if you ever did since you were so willing to walk out of his life, I don’t know. But I know I wasn't the easiest to deal with especially with the hormones. I apologize It was wrong of me to threaten you and I did try to fix that towards the end of the pregnancy by keeping you in the loop on what was happening to our son, but you just stop showing interest on him, you didn't want to speak to me, especially about him. I needed you to be there, you were always there for me when we were dating. You were there for me through the hospital when I didn't want to live, you were there when I ran away, you were there when I just needed to cry and vent, you genially cared for me so how the hell did you end up here. It seriously feels like I lost you because you have become someone unrecognizable.

You broke me, you know what you did to me, you know, you can call me a liar, but you know what you did. You can pretend like I was wrong and I “hurt” you, but you know that's just crap. I remember asking you “ what did I ever do to you for you to hate me this much”, you never responded, you just walked away, do you know what that did to me? You never explaining why you treated me like this after and before I lost him, do you know what that feels like? Never having an answer to as in why someone treats you like shit? You think you're half ass apologies are okay? “Sorry” “or sorry for everything” means nothing if it comes over a message. Not even “Im sorry” but “sorry”. That especially means shit, especially if you call me a hoe the next day. You were my first and the only person I trusted. Funny huh, how much you screwed me over?

But I have enough compassion to say the following, I forgive you, you are human and you deserve a chance to be freed from this. I'm not forgiving you because it makes me feel like a better person or cause I've forgotten what you have done, but because I know you are capable of being a great person. If I don't forgive you I will hate you and that will just consume me. I'm forgiving you for hurting me, I forgive you for all those arguments we had. I forgive you for your unforgettable behavior. I forgive you for not being kinder. I forgive you for all the hurtful words you said and above all else, I forgive you for leaving me alone in this. Because no matter how shitty you were I did things wrong too, and just like me, you deserve a second chance in life. Looking at it back now I hope you realize you could have done things differently, but if one day you become a good person with real empathy, integrity, and compassion then we can be friends. But for now, I forgive you, take care and take this second chance in life and be a good person.

Sincerely,

Rebecca