Our breakup was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I remember sitting in the car with you, yelling because I couldn’t comprehend everything that was going on. Where was all of this coming from? Why didn’t I know that you were so unhappy? What did I do wrong? Thousands of thoughts were swirling in my head, and all I knew is that I desperately wanted to make them stop.

I would have done absolutely anything to keep you. I didn’t understand why you wanted to throw away everything we had worked so hard for. And then you said it. You just didn’t love me as much as I loved you. Those words stung. In that moment it felt like every part of my body was on fire. My whole world came crashing down, bringing with it an indescribable amount of pain. I spent 11 months of my life changing for you, trying to be the girl you wanted me to be. I spent 11 months trying to make you happy. Opening up to you. Telling you my deepest fears, my insecurities, my innermost thoughts. And you just didn’t love me as much as I loved you?

I left that night feeling nothing but hopelessness. I felt that I’d lost not only you but my whole life plan and image of what the rest of my life would be. Everyone told me that I would move on. That one day I would find someone better for me, absolutely perfect for me. That one day I would be glad we broke up. That I would find my prince charming and realize that it was never you. But those weren’t the thoughts that killed me. Yes it was hard to envision a life without you, yes it was hard to experience a paradigm shift. But the hardest part wasn’t seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it was knowing that one day you’d see it too.

I hated the fact that you were going to move on. You were the love of my life and I didn’t want anyone else to have you. And to think that you would not only move on, but that one day you’d forget all about me? That you would find someone else who was absolutely perfect for you and that you’d be GLAD you broke up with me? Those, those were the thoughts that killed me. Those were the thoughts that left me sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor. I couldn’t stand the thought of you finding anyone better than me, because I wasn’t absolutely sure that I’d find anyone better than you.

The next few days were excruciating. Even though I knew you’d let me go, I couldn’t seem to do the same. I spent countless hours romanticizing our relationship. Making every moment seem perfect, replaying each one over and over again in my mind. It was a hopeless cycle that I couldn’t seem to escape.

But then my perspective started to change. I realized that not every moment in our relationship was perfect. In fact, most of them weren’t perfect at all. I remembered how self conscious I felt when you would “talk” to other girls. You never made me feel special, or acted like you were the luckiest man in the world because you had me. You never talked about the future or sent me cute good morning texts. The only time you ever complimented me was when I asked for validation. You never made me feel emotionally secure in our relationship and I now realize why. You were right, you never loved me as much as I loved you. And I couldn’t help but wonder if you even ever loved me at all.

But I can’t be mad at you anymore for the way things ended, or for breaking my heart. Even though it felt like I lost everything when I lost you, I actually gained one of the most important pieces of insight that I’ve ever had; absolutely no one is worth changing for but myself. Realizing this was so empowering it completely shifted the way I began to look towards my future goals, life plans, and the qualities I decided to look for in a significant other. It even changed the way that I retroactively looked at our relationship and our breakup as a whole.

I realized that I was so broken when you left me because I centered my whole self-image around you. I spent such a long time trying to be the person you wanted me to be, that I had no idea who I actually was.

From that point on, I started to really and truly focus on myself. I made lists of things that I wanted to try and places I wanted to go. I began to participate in different sports and hobbies that I’d never tried before. I did everything that I was given the opportunity to do, because I was determined to discover exactly who I was and who I wanted to be. And when I did that, when I began to discover exactly what made me, me, I experienced an indescribable burst of happiness that filled the void you left. A happiness that I now know is all I ever really needed to feel complete.

So thank you. Thank you for breaking up with me because in doing so you broke the cycle that I could never seem to escape. Thank you for pushing me away because you pushed me to be the person I always wanted to be. Thank you for ending it all, because it turned out to be the best gift you could have given me.