You live in your own world. You may not feel lonely, but the rest of the world sees right through the illusion of grandiose you have built and perfectly crafted down to every detail.
Your illusion of grandiose is what makes you feel important. You are a bulldozer to those around you. You manipulate and plow straight through any and everyone that may compromise or tarnish this beautiful image of greatness you have worked so hard to keep.
The way you avoid people getting close to your prized possession is by keeping people at a distance. You are not willing to hand over a free pass for someone to crack the code and call you out for your toxic and harmful ways. The people you do allow in, you manipulate. You may not think you are doing so, but it has become second nature for you and that is why you feel you can do no wrong to others. Doing wrong to others in order to get to the top is like breathing at this point in your life, it is instinctual.
The majority of people won't initially understand or even notice your games and manipulation. It is because you are so good at what you do. It is the reason you were awarded the title "narcissist". You are a very talented illusionist and know exactly how to act and make yourself come across a certain way in order to keep this reputation you would like for yourself alive.
You thrive off of your reputation. It is single-handedly the most important thing to you. More important than the way you treat your friends, family, or partner. The people who love you most often times take the hardest blow from you. They did absolutely nothing to deserve it, but you will do anything and everything within your power to stay at the top. You do not care what it takes, as long as you can get there. Hurting others is not of concern to you.
The thing about reputations is they are bi-products of you living your life naturally. They are not given by you micromanaging every aspect of your life. For a narcissist, this concept is foreign. You are very meticulous when crafting this custom image for yourself. A control freak if you will. Letting go of control is something you are not willing to do. It would make you incredibly uncomfortable to allow all aspects of your life to occur naturally.
Letting go is not something that comes easily to even myself, but I am able to admit that letting go of control is difficult. Your pride is an issue and more times than not gets in the way and you refuse to admit to your shortcomings. Admitting your faulty qualities would tarnish your reputation of greatness. You strive for perfection, whatever that means to you, and you will lie through your teeth just so people are unable to see your true colors.
It's as if your one true mission in life is to construct a fort of steel around your mind and ward off anyone who is curious and wants to see what's inside. Pushing others out and keeping them away is your specialty, and if you were to let your guard down your true colors would show and that is a state of vulnerability that would cripple you. You no longer would feel a sense of worth or value within yourself.
You are a challenging puzzle. The most complex maze imaginable. Trying to break down your walls is your loved ones' most prized mission, the thing they are hungry to accomplish most. After having hundreds of experiences with you, they will get to a point where they realize helping you is an impossible task. The mission will never take off, therefore it is a complete waste of time trying to help you or change you. Narcissists do not change. It is incredibly hard to accept this defeat, but your loved ones have no choice but to accept defeat and embrace you for who you are, meaning years and years full of hardship and emotional battle scars.
Some people cannot handle you. Then there lies the rare few who are strong enough and intelligent enough to handle you. They are the diamonds in the rough, but time and time again you take these special people for granted and push them away. They intimidate you and challenge you in ways you have never experienced before and it scares you to death. It scares you because you fear change. At the end of the day, if you want to push them away, you will get your way. Narcissists always manipulate the system in their favor. You may feel better now that they are "off your back", but by doing so, you will live the rest of your life stuck on repeat, running the same marathon until the day you die. You will never grow or better yourself, which kills those who have so much love in their hearts for you.
Eventually, though, you will do them dirty enough that they drop you for good. You cannot live the rest of your life manipulating people, controlling every situation, and lying to others in order to get to the top. Karma will come around and you will experience the harshest reality possible. The harshest realizations are so far out of reach to you. It may come in a year, ten years, twenty years, or maybe you will never have that AH-HA moment which opens your eyes and pulls you out of your fantasy world you have been living in for years.
You are selfish, manipulative, and even vindictive at times. You inflict so much hurt and pain on those around you, and you will NEVER be able to see how terrible you are to people which is the most bizarre thing of all time.
Have fun living in your own sick and twisted fantasy world!
The victims of your narcissistic abuse (AKA-- the people who once loved you and have been dragged to hell and back by your own hand).