As I cleaned out my closet this week I came across “How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul”, a book by a husband and wife duo committed to keeping young people sexually “pure” until marriage. The cover is a swirl of pale blue and white, with a silhouette of a dancing couple that could easily be Cinderella and Prince Charming. Books like this one are hallmarks in the movement that helped usher in abstinence-only education in American schools. I could not believe how much I had changed in the six years since I had read this book in the girls’ purity book club my mother had persuaded moody, fifteen-year-old me to attend back in tenth grade.

I was raised Roman Catholic in the Bible Belt, so abstinence was encouraged from just about every angle in my life. My worried mother heard that a purity themed book club was being offered for girls my age through the church and she hoped that it would balance out the somewhat promiscuous culture of my high school. So much has changed since then that I wish I could tell my younger self a few vital things.

Hey grumpy, hurting, beautiful teen. What’s up? I know it is hard not to hate yourself and obsess over getting a boyfriend. I can see that the authors of this book mean well, but the world is not so simple…not so black and white. I just want you to know some things that I have learned from experience.

Quite a few chapters of this book focus on the importance of modesty. The authors insist over and over that men are hard-wired to use and abuse you when you show too much skin. Listen, I know this book wants you to be ashamed of what you wear, of how you inhabit your body. Remember that above all, by virtue of being a human being, you deserve respect. When someone mistreats you, it is never because of your outfit, it is because they are not nice. The man you love now treats you like a lady even when you are laying around in old shorts and a sweaty sports bra. They exist, I swear. A real man could find you sleeping naked and he would still not hurt you.

Oh, the heavy, heavy concept of virginity. Sex can be special, even magical, with the right person. Sometimes the right person is not the first, and that is perfectly fine. Becoming sexually active will not do irreparable damage to your value as a person. I know you have been taught that virginity is the best gift you have to offer a potential mate but that is wrong. Your heart and mind are gifts that you can give again and again. Your company and vast capacity for compassion will not depreciate after some mediocre futon sex. Sure, abstinence can be empowering, but it is not the only way to be empowered. Your heart is not a flower that gets crushed once and dies. It is more like a forest. It can be burned or cut down and it springs back up. It can grow, stretch, and change. You are built to break, rebuild, break, and rebuild again. Your very existence is evidence of resilience.

Love,

21 year-old-You