Dear Anxiety,
You would think by now I would understand you, but I don't. I can't understand why I can't be normal. The moments when I feel like I'm alone, but I don't want to be. Then the moment when I'm not I tend to push people away. I like to hide, and if people get to see this side of me, I over analyze what they think. I can't stand the dizziness and the rushing thoughts inside my head. I can look happy and be a complete mess, but no one would see the difference, because a smile can hide a lot.
Anxiety, I hate that I can't sleep at night. Your like pots and pans banging in my ears, and I can't shut you up. My mind will race thoughts about things I have to do, and things that happened years ago. Sometimes I start to fall asleep and jump up trying to catch a breath. Some nights I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I just want to sleep, but instead I'll lay there restless wishing someone was there to understand.
Anxiety, I hate that you hold me back at work and school. When I start to freakout it can last all day. Anxiety doesn't just last five minutes. I may not be having an anxiety attack, but I do feel the symptoms. The light headedness, shaky hands, jelly legs, rushing thoughts, heart rushing, etc. You would think by now I would get use to it, but I still feel like somethings wrong with me. I just want to work, but instead I'll barley get by wishing someone understood I want to do more.
Anxiety, I hate that you make me scared. I'm scared of feeling this way my whole life. I don't want to live this way, but I can't make it stop. I don't understand why I think the way I do, but I wish I could. I'm afraid that one day I won't be able to control it. I don't want to live in fear everyday. I just want to be happy, but instead i'll stress wishing someone could tell me everything will be okay.
Anxiety, I hate that you make me feel like a failure. Many nights I have thought of reasons why I'm a horrible person. I make myself feel worthless, by reminding myself of all the things I've done in the past. I'm scared of not becoming who I want to be, because of this constant voice in my head. I want to chase my dreams, but instead i'll live in fear wishing someone could push me.
Anxiety, I hate that you make me feel abnormal. I won't tell people about my issues, because I know I'm different. I fear judgement, but I know others have the same problems. You won't ever see the fear in my eyes because I isolate myself when it happens. I smile, and you would never know. I laugh and you think everything fine. I want to be happy all the time, but you make me angry, I wish someone would make me happy.
Anxiety, I hate that you make me sick to my stomach. Often days I can't eat alone. It makes no sense, but when I'm alone I'm simply not hungry. When I force myself, I get sick to my stomach, like someone punched me. I wish I could go on food dates all the time.
Anxiety, I hate feeling shaky. I constantly feel like I've had five cups of coffee on top of two bags of candy. I run around to try to get the energy down, but it never seems to work. I'm self conscious because I feel like everyone can my body shake, but they can't. I wish someone saw my struggle.
Anxiety, I hate feeling like the rooms spinning. Often times I feel like I'm about to pass out. I walk into things and my heart starts to race. It's like I stood up to fast, or just got off of a ride. I wish people could be nice and friendly always, it helps me feel better.
Anxiety, I hate feeling lonely. I want to be alone, but I hate feeling lonely. Like I'm in a room full of people, but no one sees me. I feel like I'm ten feet underwater and everyone else is on the shore, laughing and enjoying life. I wish people all were kind.
Anxiety, I hate that I don't understand you. I feel like we are two different people. You can't understand someone else's mind, so how do I understand you. I try so hard to overcome you, but you never really leave, do you? I wish I could get you.
Anxiety I hate so much about you, but you have made me, me. I have screamed and cried trying to figure you out, but I still haven't. You may make me feel all these feelings, but you have made me strong. It's because of you that I have learned how to care for others. Anxiety I hate so much about you, but I love that you made me, me and no one can change that.
