I remember every detail about the moment when I got that phone call that I still wish was a terrible dream. Time stopped when I heard the words "No Erin, he didn't make it." Every emotion filled my body in that split second and I fell to my knees. I felt so weak. I must have heard wrong, I thought. They repeated those words that still haunt me again. This had to be wrong. I had to be dreaming. This couldn't be real. I had so many questions run through my head. I needed so many answers, but instead I went silent. I could not speak. I could not move. Without saying a single word in response, I hung up the call and let my phone hit the floor. It's all coming back to me as I sit here typing to you. It's like I'm in that very moment all over again. It's crazy how our brains work sometimes. I went from silent and motionless to pacing in circles as thoughts ran through my head faster than I could process and my heart beat out of my chest. I screamed. I wanted to escape this nightmare.
Above every thought and emotion I felt, denial took hold of my mind and body. I didn't think something so terrible could be true. I didn't want to believe it either. I didn't want to hear the answer to my questions because then it would seem too real. There would be split seconds of panic when other emotions overpowered the utter state of denial that I was in. My mind, my emotions, my body, and my heart were so confused by all of the different responses I had within minutes of hanging up from that call. I would escape that denial for seconds at a time but I fought off every emotion and thought cause I just knew that it couldn't be true. Then those seconds became minutes and minutes then became hours. But the denial returned again and again because I simply could not allow this to be true. They say that the truth hurts sometimes, well the truth didnt just hurt. The truth was too painful to believe. My mind was not able to process the pain of the truth, so it couldn't accept that the truth was real. 637 days have passed and it's still hard to wrap my head around.
Denial can be so powerful when reality is too hard to accept. Despite the whirlwind of emotions and sadness that filled the days to follow, it took a long time before it really hit me that you were gone. It didn't hit me when I finally able to come up with the words to tell my parents what happened. It didn't hit me when I had to make calls to more of our friends just like the call that I am forever changed by. It didn't hit me when I read the news article that I prayed would never come out. It didn't hit me as I hugged your family at your funeral. It didn't hit me as Hundreds of people gathered at the cemetery to say our finals goodbyes to you. It didn't hit me as I read endless posts on social media about the impact you had made on so many people and how missed you would be by anyone who you ever crossed paths with.
Although it hadn't truly hit me, I thought it had. My heart ached. I missed you. I spent late nights thinking about you. I looked through old pictures and texts with you constantly. I cried a lot. I prayed too. I prayed for your family. I prayed for all of your friends. I prayed for anyone that was touched by you because I knew every single person who knew you would be hurting. I prayed for you too.
I thought it had hit me because this was all part of the grieving process, right? But then it really hit me. And it hit me over and over again after that. It was the first football game of the season. A day every Clemson fan looked forward to for months. A day we were all so excited for. Everything seemed normal and great about that day, until that moment that it finally hit me that you were actually gone. I stood at the tailgate and noticed something missing. It finally hit me that your contagious smile wouldn't be at tailgates anymore. It hit me that we would all notice something missing at every football game, at every party, during every trip to the library, and as we walked across campus. It's when it hit me that you would have been there tailgating with us like always, but now things would never be the same. Sometimes it still hits me as I find myself subconsciously expecting to get a visit from you in the library as you made laps around to say hi to everyone you knew, which always happened to be the entire library.
It's not the same without you here, and it will never be the same. But we all can find comfort in knowing that although you may not be here on earth anymore, you are always with us. We feel you at every tailgate. We feel you during every nail biter football game. We feel you during every Clemson sunset. We feel you with us everyday, and for that we are so blessed.
Selfishly I want you to physically be here with us, but God had another plan. I have always been the strongest believer that everything happens for a reason. I can not deny that losing you tested my faith. I selfishly felt mad at the world. But then I remembered exactly what made you so special. It was your bright smile, positive attitude, caring heart, passionate soul, and unshakeable faith. I knew you were watching down on me crying and telling me that's not what you wanted. That's not how you should be remembered either. You wanted to leave a positive impact on everyone you met. You wanted to impact others through your faith. I'm sorry for the days that I still selfishly cry. I'm sorry for the days I still question the reason. I'm sorry for the moments that I fail to trust God's plan.
It's never going to be easy to understand the reason for this, but maybe we're not meant to understand it. For you, I try my best to spread the same love and faith that you spread to so many people. I try my best to live every day to the fullest. I hope I can make you proud. We are so blessed to have an angel as special as you with us as we walk through life. They say it gets easier with time, but I don't think easier is the right word. We get stronger with each day that passes that we have you watching over us. We get more used to attending events and not seeing you there, but instead feeling you there with us. It's not easy and it never will be, but I find so much comfort in knowing you'll always be with me even when I can't see you.
Sometimes when the song "You Should Be Here" comes on I let myself be selfish and cry. Other times, I have to change the song. Once in a while, I turn it up and smile knowing how lucky I am to have known someone so special that makes losing them this hard. Your memory will live on forever, and you will always be in our hearts and on our minds. Keep watching over us and shining down on us to remind us you're with us always. I love you.
