An Open Letter To My Old Best Friend

An Open Letter To My Old Best Friend

From the time we got "lost" in the woods, to the time where I accidentally broke your bed.
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Dear old best friend,

To start off, I know these letters are pretty cliche, but I've got some pretty important things to say to you. So here it goes. I really do miss you. I know all these letters say something similar, but it is true. We didn't lose our friendship because we hated each other. We lost our friendship because we grew apart. Every time I saw you in the hallway, I couldn't help but be mad at the both of us. We allowed our friendship to disappear and now we are like strangers. You probably don't care about anything I'm saying in this letter, and that's fine, but I just wanted you to know that our friendship meant the world to me.

Those years when we were friends, you were my rock. I was going through a really tough time and you were always there for me. I regret that I never showed how grateful I was that you stuck by my side. You would never let me be in a mood for too long. Somehow, you always made me feel better; I'm still not sure how you were able to do that. You weren't just my best friend, your were my family. To this day, my mom still talks about you, wondering how you've been. I'm sad to say I never have any news for her.

The memories I have of us are pretty great. From the time we got "lost" in the woods, to the time where I accidentally broke your bed. Every memory I have, we had done something stupid that had made us laugh uncontrollably. Every memory I have, we argued about something equally as stupid. Every memory I have, we fought like little kids. I am so thankful for every single one. If it wasn't for you pushing me into all those stupid ideas, and vice versa, I doubt I would be the person I am today. Some of those memories are bitter sweet and others make me laugh until I can't breathe. We never had a dull moment in our entire friendship.

I'm not writing this letter hoping we can be friends again. We are both in two different stages of our lives, at two different colleges, and have completely changed since eighth grade. I'm not even sure if we would get along anymore. I just want you to know that I will always be here for you. It doesn't matter that we haven't had a proper conversation in years, it doesn't matter that we have new friends, it doesn't matter that you will probably never read this, or if you do, won't think it is about you; I will always be here for you. I don't care if you text me now or in five years, because once upon a time, we were inseparable. Wherever I was, you were with me. The type of friendship we had doesn't go away, at least not for me. You will always be my old best friend; The one I still tell stories about and the one who I had the best times with. I wish I had the courage to tell this all to you in person, but if I know anything about the friendship we had, we would just laugh at how cheesy this was. I know you will do great things in your future and remember that I will always be in your corner rooting for you.

Sincerely,

Your old best friend

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

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8 Things I Have Not Thanked My Best Friend Forever For In, Well, Forever

Thank you for always being the best.
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1. Being there through it all, even if you're not "physically" there

We can't always be together, but you have never completely "left" me behind and have been there with me through thick and thin and I am so grateful.

2. Being my biggest cheerleader

Thank you for not only being there through the bad, but also celebrating my victories with me. I can always look forward to telling you good news because I know you'll be happy right along with me.

3. Answering my "important" phone calls

Whether it's a "he texted me back!!!" phone call, or an "I found a gray hair, please help!!" phone call, you pick up the phone and hype up with me no matter what.

4. Being selfless, and going above & beyond to make sure I know I'm worthy

This explains itself and I am so grateful for that.

5. Brushing my hair when I don't feel like it

Okay, this probably sounds silly... But it's the greatest struggle to brush my hair and I'm glad you do it for me sometimes!

6. For being there through all of my mini-crises

You already know what I'm talking about here...

7. For talking me out of things

If it wasn't for you talking me out of things, I'd probably have quit my job, be dating a horrible guy, got my eyebrow pierced, etc.

8. Making me a part of your family

I'm too lucky to have you all as my second family.

Cover Image Credit: Personal Photo

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Help, I Have A Lot Of Feelings

Finding Purpose in All Those Feelings

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I, 100%, believe you can manifest your own reality. It's disturbing how "feelings" quickly go from scenarios that we create in our heads to a toxic reality.

When I was really sick, I could think of countless reasons to hate myself. It felt like those reasons were piling up and barricading me into my own personal prison of self-disgust. But as I have continued my journey to be stronger than my eating disorder, I am learning that if can convince myself, with the power of my mind, that these feelings are all valid, I can also convince myself that I am actually sufficient, capable, competent, enough, strong and qualified. This power lies in recognizing the difference between feeling and knowing.

Knowledge is constant while feelings vary based on circumstance. I know my best friend loves me even when she doesn't text me back. I may, for a moment, feel like she doesn't care about what I have to say because of the circumstance. But that doesn't change what I know to be true. My best friend loves me.

Being "feelings driven" is a dangerous way to live. It led me to become an empty and shallow version of myself. I was unhealthy and dissatisfied. But I found new life after deciding not to let the way I feel dictate what I knew is true.

If feelings change so often, how can they hold such power over us? Surely they must play some sort of significant role in our lives. Of course they do. Feelings provide us with the opportunity to act. They show us that something might need to change. Typically, we want it to change as soon as possible. If you're feeling bored, you text or call your friends. If you're feeling hungry, you go get food. Feelings give us the opportunity to react. These reactions can affect you positively or negatively. The important thing to remember is that, when you are prompted with a feeling, you always get decide the reaction.

When I was sick, I was very familiar with feeling "gross", "fat", "uncomfortable", and other untrue ways to describe my physical appearance. The reaction that came with that feeling wreaked havoc on me mentally and physically. I could not get through a day of meals without feeling extreme guilt. This guilt was overbearing and it would not go away until I responded with my trigger reaction. Even with these rash and dangerous choices I was making, one thing remained constant. I never felt the way I wanted to. I did not feel beautiful. I did not feel strong. I woke up every single day without any change.

When you are prompted with a feeling that deserves a reaction, make it a beneficial one. I still have many moments when I feel bad about the way I look. Only now, my language about it has changed. I don't take that feeling as an opportunity to hurt myself. Instead, I write about it, call a friend, pray and ask God to help me see myself as He sees me or even just distract myself from the thoughts with some TV.

I cannot count on feelings to fuel my thoughts and take over my mind. Because even though they can bring about the right kind of actions, they have the power to bring you a world of trouble. Acknowledge your feelings. They're there for a reason. Welcome the good feelings, don't be afraid of the negative ones. Just be ready with what you know to combat them. Remind yourself with the truth about who you are constantly, making it your first language. Feelings are temporary and based on circumstance.

Think of the feeling you get when you are so tired after a long and busy day. What comforts you? Knowing the fact that when you get home, you will be able to sleep. You know you will be okay. This same practice of comforting yourself with the truth can and should be done with any negative feeling. Knowing that you will not feel that way forever can protect you from dangerous reaction, whatever it may be. Let it remind you that the temporary state of discomfort, pain, or dissatisfaction, will eventually go away and you will be feeling another way once again.

Feelings are fleeting and changing. They are here one second and gone the next. So to put something so valuable, like your worth or your future, in something so fickle, just sounds foolish. Use feelings for what they are for: to inspire change. What I know is that I AM STRONG even on the days I feel weak, I AM BRAVE even on the days I feel afraid, I AM CAPABLE even on the days I feel unfit for my calling. Any feelings that are not driving me to truth don't stand a chance against what I know.

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