Dear future me,

At this moment, I’m terrified of you.

I’ve always loved school. I’ve always liked structuring and organizing notes in a pleasing manner, and I liked listening to intelligent professors. However, I’ve also always loved the dream of being out of school. The movies present a graduated girl so glamorously. She’s this girl who is powerful in business outfits, whose hair is always presentable, who literally never worries about acne and who is walking around a big city both clumsily and put together.

I always thought that once I reached my junior year of college, life would be more put together than this. I kind of thought that my room would always be pretty clean and I would keep up with my planner better. I definitely thought acne wouldn’t still be a problem. I thought that maybe I would have a cool internship and that I would have a plan.

The problem is that I cleaned my room a week ago and I have a few clothes scattered around my ground already. I have terribly bad stress acne from finals week that won’t seem to go away. I have absolutely no clue what my summer plans are, and I’m already walking into the summer season.

I’m 21 years old and I feel like my life is nowhere near as put together as it needs to be, to reach wherever I want to be in a year.

Usually, I’m excited about finals being over. It gives time to hang out with friends and read more books. However, I clung onto the days of finals week this year. I knew once I was done with my last final, it meant accepting the fact of being a senior in college and being one step closer to being in the real world. While I want so desperately to be in the real world, I’m scared of losing the comfort that comes with school days.

School is familiar. School is buying used textbooks and purchasing millions of flashcards to help study for tests. School is just showing up to class on time and following a schedule. School is all I know, but that doesn’t mean school is the best that life will ever be.

I think the problem is that so many people I know are getting married, having kids, getting their dream jobs, purchasing houses and doing these crazy grown-up things that I don’t feel entirely ready for. Their lives are coming together, and I’m just trying to pick up these pieces of talents, desires and passions and hoping that it suits me well enough to make a difference in this world.

I may be terrified of you. I may be terrified of what life is like when you receive a diploma and are released to go do whatever you want from now on, but I’m certain everything will work out.

I’m certain you’ll do whatever you need to do to land a good job and keep working toward pretty dreams. I’m certain you’ll find happiness in whatever place you find yourself. I’m certain it’ll all be okay.

For now, I’m just hoping this year between me and you will go slow. I’m hoping that the hours will be long enough to hopefully finish every paper and keep my room clean. I’m hoping I somehow put my life together beautifully in the next year, but if I’m still a mess, we’ll work that out eventually.