I just want to start by saying no, I don't miss you. Sometimes I miss parts of you. I miss the comfort of being with you, the structure of knowing what to eat and when. I miss the occasions you made me feel pretty, powerful, and in control. I miss you telling me how good I looked in my clothes as they grew looser on me. I miss the pride you gave me when I stepped on the scale and saw the numbers dwindling. I miss you cheering me on as I ran, encouraging me to go the extra mile, giving me a sick sense of strength, my own personal trainer. I miss you praising me when I followed your rules. I miss you telling me that I was strong inside even when every other aspect of my life was falling apart. But these moments are always fleeting. Every time I let you back into my life, you make it worse than it was before. You give me more pain than joy, and I'm tired of putting up with what you put me through.
Here are all the things I won't miss about you.
I won't miss you telling me what not to eat. I won't miss you sitting next to me at every restaurant, telling me I don't need the bread before the meal, the calories in my favorite iced tea, the extra dressing on my already bare salad. I won't miss you waking me up in the morning with mean words, pulling me to the mirror just to tear me down. I won't miss you pointing out other girls everywhere we go and laughing as you tell me I'll never be as pretty as them. That cute dress? Not on me. That body? Not even if I tried. I won't miss you standing with me in the dressing room of my favorite stores, pulling clothes out of my hand before I even get to put them on, laughing at the ones I have the confidence to try. I won't miss you trying to pull me away from my family and friends, convincing me that their intended help would just hurt me.
You're controlling. You're mean. You're manipulative. You're not as attractive as you look, and your promises always come up empty. I check off one rule on your list and you give me forty more. Nothing I ever do for you is enough. Yes, I miss you, but I don't miss the way you made me feel or the person you led me to become. You're more trouble and pain and anxiety and stress than you're worth. So please go ahead and delete my number. Forget my name. Forget you ever knew me, because I'm better off without you.