To my younger self,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're in so much pain all the time and you feel the need to hide it. I'm sorry the days drag and getting up is harder than combing your hair. I'm sorry that it seems as though it will never "get better" and you refuse to believe that "lie" that everyone keeps reminding you of.
Spoiler alert: it's not a lie.
Even though you sit in your room listening to Barbra Streisand sing "Funny Girl" repeatedly to get your mind off life, you shouldn't. You should been out there living it. And instead of convincing yourself that self harm and having an eating disorder are what you deserve, you should take a breath. Because at the end of the day you already know that no one deserves that; and if no one deserves that what makes you any different?
I can sit here and write this letter to you now because I know that it does in fact "get better." I now know the difference between faking a smile and actually having one. The difference between truthfully being "fine" and just saying "fine" because that's what people 'want to hear.' (You don't realize it yet, but the people who keep asking you how you are doing actually want to know the answer.)
I know that right now you're probably reading this and rolling your eyes with the same sad smile you've worn on your face all day; but I hope you realize that someone made it out and that someone is going to be you.
You. You. You. Are. Good. Enough.
Despite the fact that you refuse to believe that you are worth it-
You. Are. Worth. It.
Everyone is worth everything the world has to offer and you are no different. You are beautiful and wonderful and someday people are going to walk into your life and want to stay.
Yes, people are going to leave you. That will never change. People you love will continue to disappoint you and you'll lose some faithful friends along the way. You'll question whether it was all your fault. You'll wonder why you keep losing friends when you're the one refusing to get out of the house. You'll wake up in the middle of the night and realize that you've been blind and naive. But, you'll grow from it. You'll grow and learn from these experiences even though some of them feel un-livable. You will live them.
You're going to make your friends and family proud because you're going to stick it out and take a stance.
You're going to make it out of the battle and win the war.
You're going to get better.
You just have to want to.
xox
Now's the time to start.
