At age 15 were all so naive & immature… you think you know it all but it’s just the start.

In the beginning of the relationship things were great, movie dates, talking for hours on the phone, dinner or lunch, butterflies in the stomach, lust & even meeting each other’s family. Everything seemed perfect for the first 2 months.

Then it was arguments about petty shit, like if i didn’t go to school but I couldn’t hang out, why I wasn’t texting back fast enough or who I was with all the time, or I had on “to much makeup” or an outfit you didn’t like & even that I didn’t want to have sex until I turned 16 even though it was only a few months away. I just thought oh this is dumb, he’ll get over it right?

Wrong.

Then things got worse; it became something so much more. The physical…. the first time you hit me was because I was out with friends and went to get food but wasn’t on time with your schedule, It was a slap across the face… I thought to myself it’s innocent he apologized it’s okay it’ll never happen again… but it did over and over and over again. It wouldn’t stop. The fingers marks pressed into my arms, the bruises across my face, the random cuts… Everyone started noticing the bruises at school, my friends, my parents… I’d make up dumb lies about running into things or I don’t remember.

Eventually It got even worse; the emotional part. The “no one will ever love you” “I’m the only person who cares about you” “someone has to be so stupid to care what you think” “you’re just stupid” “you’re not worth shit” “no one will ever marry you or want you to have their children” after being told so many times you start to believe it… my friends finally said “it’s me or him” & at that point that’s when I really thought he was right no one did care about me, I had no worth. So I chose him. My depression I already had was at an all time low, my anxiety was sky rocket & my attacks were even worse sometimes I couldn’t even calm down.

The very last time you hit me; my parents finally started to let you stay the night, the door was always open when you stayed over but you woke me up in the middle of the night at 3 am because you wanted to have sex. I told you no so you grabbed the tv remote and turned the volume up so loud it could have woke the whole house up. So I got up to manually turn it down but you kept turning it up every time. Finally I turned it off & you went to turn it back on, I grabbed the remote out of your hand; threw it across the room & you punched me straight in the face, my head hit the wall and I must have passed out. I don’t remember anything else that happened after or even the next morning to be completely honest… all I know is the black & blue bruise on my face had to be covered with lots of makeup but the swelling couldn’t be covered. It was a good thing I was in cos school so I could knew how to cover it up right?

Finally the back & forth breaking up the last time you tried to break up with me I was done, I had enough & so did my family… they weren’t stupid they knew what happened after so long of it happening. The next day you called my phone within an hour; 64 times. After I got home from school you were on my porch crying. I had so much hate towards you, finally I realized it wasn’t me who needed you, it was you who needed me. I just couldn’t be there anymore. 2 months later I found out I was pregnant with your child. I had no clue… my stepmom made me take a pregnancy test because I was getting sick in the mornings. It came back positive and I broke down into tears & couldn’t stand I fell down to the ground & my stepmom had to hold me up. I had no clue what to do but I knew the best option was abortion. I couldn’t bring up a kid in an abusive home or even trust you with your own child not knowing if you were abusing him or her too. It broke my heart & took everything in me for that choice. To this day I still think about how old he or she would be & I hate myself for what I had to do. But I could never do that to a child what you did to me.

Everyone always says about abusive relationships “why not just leave” well in my case the physical wasn’t so bad, yes it’s terrible but the bruises heal & the pain eventually goes away… it’s the emotional that will literally destroy you. It took everything in me to believe in myself and be okay. To this day my confidence is affected by his words from 6 years ago. Sometimes I still flinch when a significant other moves to fast towards me. It takes strength and courage. It takes everything you have to finally put yourself first and realize that if that’s love, I don’t want it.

Sometimes I still see you on social media. I’m just thankful I got away from your abuse. I hope you changed and you’re not who you used to be but I’ll hate you forever for what you did to me. I’m grateful in a sense though, you showed me how I don’t deserve to be treated, you saved me from other toxic relationships by warnings signs and it truly helped me become who I am today.