Well, this month marks a full year that you have no longer been with us. It is still confusing to grasp that you are really gone. I think about you more often these days, especially when I am really stressed because you were always my go to person to confide in when the going got tough.
It is still very surreal to me. I still sometimes think that you will be home when I come to visit, sitting in your recliner with your house shoes on, wrapped in a sweater. I even still talk about you in the present tense, but I guess the reality of things doesn't really hit me until I am standing next to your grave speaking with you. Death is strange that way.
I dream about you sometimes on days that I don't expect, but greatly appreciate. They are always pleasant dreams so I hope that means pleasant things for you as well.
As you have probably noticed, I have been a train wreck lately, worrying myself over small, pointless things. I can only imagine what you would say to me. Probably something to make me laugh and smile a little. I miss hearing your voice...
The family is doing okay from what I can tell. I am not exactly a mind reader, but I know you would tell me that I am pretty close to being one. Perhaps I got that from you. We all have our moments, but I guess that is just the sad reality of it all. Life goes on, doesn't it?
Life has been a roller coaster for me and I would love to fill you in on everything, but I'm sure you already know. I just wish you were here for the thrill of the ride with me.
I feel like you would be proud of me, or at least in the direction that I am going in with school and my career and just life in general. I know you would support me through it all no matter what. But even then I still have my doubts. Maybe its the growing anxiety I have, but I sometimes would like to hear you say those things now, even though its not possible.
I think you would really appreciate the person I am becoming. I am more myself than I have been, granted I still struggle and have my bad days, but I am beginning to be at peace with myself. Something you always were.
The journey's not over yet and there will be much more to experience, but just know that I think about you whenever I make a big decision. I always think about if you would approve or not, but in the end I know you would always approve of my decisions. You did help raise me after all.
You probably already know this, but just know that you are greatly missed. Thank you for always believing in me, but most importantly, thank you for being my unexpected guardian angel.