I miss you.

I wish that was enough to describe how I feel right now, but it isn’t, not even close. I just don’t miss you; I feel so much more than a mere longing. I could create a galaxy full of life for what I feel about you. How crazy is that? I feel everything. My heart hurts so much, but it also filled with so much love for you.

I miss your laugh, your jokes, your texts, and everything about you. I miss you. I can’t say it enough. I miss seeing everyone happy. I miss talking about our celebrity crushes. I miss how you and I use to hang out back in middle school. I miss how we use to crack each other up with our friends in class. I miss how we use to tell each other everything. I miss how amazing our bond was. I miss everything.

I thought that six years would lessen the sorrow and aching I feel, but it never did. It’s been six years of your absence, six years of trying not to care, six years of trying to forget, not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me or to leave me. It’s been six years and I feel everything stronger than ever, and it hurts so much more than words can even describe. I don’t understand. I thought that time was supposed to heal; it hasn’t healed anything, only replaced memories and has served as a constant reminder that you’re gone.

You’re all that I see, everywhere and it hardly makes me smile. It’s now hardly impossible to be truly happy when the only person who never left my side, actually left and I never be the same. Every time I think I am getting better, I am brought back to the start.

I think for the past couple of years I pretended it never happened and with your seven-year anniversary coming up, I couldn’t run anymore. I couldn’t hide the fact that I missed you. I had to face it and trying to be strong. I feel like it’s happening all over again and it hurts just as badly, if not worse.

I tried everything to accept the fact that you were gone, or at least forget. I tried going out and have fun with my friends. I tried detaching myself from everyone. I wanted to be invisible, transparent, and forgotten. I tried to not exist. I pretended to be happy; I let myself be sad. I tried not caring about anyone or anything. But nothing brought you back, nothing changed what happened, nothing made this okay. You’re still gone.

The longer you’ve been gone, the worse my breakdowns get. The pain is unbearable, each time hurting in a way it never had before while cleaning tears from my face. I stay like this for what seemed hours but could only have been a minute unable to breathe; crying and crying. I feel nothing. I still don’t know what is worse, feeling everything so intensely or nothing at all.

Grief changed me. Grief wasn’t sitting at homing crying and feeling like it wouldn’t stop. It wasn’t hearing your name and collapsing nor was it writing through the night in hopes that the hurt was draining away from me and onto a paper with every letter, syllable, word, phrase. Grief was “being strong” and fighting tears. Grief was smiling and responding with fine at every “how are you?” Grief was getting out of bed every day when I told myself to stay.

There was so much more I wanted to say to you. There was so much more I wanted to do. There was so much more I wanted to be. I thought we had more time.

Losing someone forces you to grow up but how am I supposed to do that? I think about how you won’t get married or going on to college or even encourage me to do my absolute best in everything I do. I think about how you won’t be here for any other pain or loss I’m bound to encounter or the one’s I’ve already encountered. I think about it every day, all day and it takes something bigger than me, than you to get me on my feet.

To this day I still lose myself trying to find myself and hurt a lot of people while I’m hurting. I don’t know whether the pain will lessen or I will finally smile at your name; I don’t know whether I will ever be okay or accept things as they are. All I do know is that my love for you is the only thing I am sure of. I can hear your laugh; see your beautiful eyes with heaven in them, your kindness and goodness I can feel. You were everything and I wasn’t; maybe that’s why we had such a great bond. You showed me everything that I was missing, the person I wanted to be. You continue to bring me out of a darkness I don’t belong in, you shake me and break me and help me start over. You were and still are the person I will always truly love and miss with all my heart.

Forever & Ever,

Someone That Misses You