From sitting on a hospital aisle characterized by frowns and prayers - I remained in a corner listening to Twenty One Pilots to lift my spirits (although their lyrics are sad, it was exactly what I needed) expecting my grandmother would survive yet my guts telling me that she wouldn't make it - to being left with pictures and stories, there isn't a day that my grandmother doesn't cross my mind.
I am conflicted in believing there is something after this life: Death is a void we all jump into after completing our life cycle, the pace is defined by something escaping our will. Other part of me believes that the souls spread across the universe, that people who die become guardian angels for those who remain here in this existence constituted by flesh and bone. That part of me believes she's still here. While I have to understand that death is inevitable, I can't acknowledge her absence even if it's been two years already. And wow, how my life has changed in those two years.
Mamá,
I hear the phone ringing and I think it's you calling, asking if I need anything so you can bring it to me. When I pick up the phone, to listen to your voice and fill you in with everything. I want to talk to you about how college is going for me, how my mom and me are bonding more since I moved in with her. Most important, I wish I could've listened to you more. I know I wasn't the best granddaughter at times and took you for granted. I confess there were times I thought your 5 calls a day were somewhat annoying and now I am dying to receive them. I miss seeing you get emotional when something happened. I wish I could've gotten the signal of your tears when you called me on my 17th birthday that that would be the last birthday I will ever receive from you.
While I know that past aren't necessarily the best days, nothing can ever top your presence. You were so good to everyone, no exception. You always shared what you had, even if it meant you were going to be left with nothing because you enjoyed the happiness of others. You never said no when I asked you for anything. You always made sure I had everything I needed. You stayed on top of my father for his duties. Your calls were a part of everyone's routine. Nobody needed Facebook to remind us of birthdays because you knew them all. You gave me the joy of my holidays.
As I age, I will always keep you in mind and never forget the loving legacy you left us. I will aspire to be half of all that you were: selfless, truly warm-hearted, attentive, determined, innumerable virtues that personifies all the good that can be in one person and more. Thank you for showing me it's okay to have strong feelings. Thank you for spreading your light that ignites in my heart. As long as I live, I will make sure you look down from wherever you are and smile.
