I can't say that I know what it's like to be you, and honestly I don't want to walk in your shoes to find out. You chose a path in life that I would have never considered, and I hope that you take this personally. I don't feel sorry for you anymore because everything that your friends tried to tell you, everything that your family tried to tell you, you wouldn't listen to.
You're not deserving of being called by your name because it belongs to a person who you used to be, a person who we all tried to get back but the new "you" chose to pick up the needle, or the pipe or the pills instead. Now you're just a junkie, a crack-head, a tripper, anything but the name you were given so I'll let you choose. When I was old enough to understand what addiction was, I did truly feel sorry for you. I watched you struggle to be clean and I watched your life spiral out of control and into a pit of hurt, despair and frustration.
I watched you cry numerous times because you "wanted so badly to be clean," but now that I've grown older I've learned that the face I watched weep was only a show that you put on for us because as soon as we turned our backs, you would let the drugs take the throne again. I believe that the moment respect was truly lost for you was when you chose your addiction over your children. You let the drugs seduce you so much to the point that you finally let go of the greatest blessings that God could have given you.
Your family despises you for that and now your children despise you for that. You are nothing more than an addict and you are the same as the millions that walk this earth. You have lost all personality, individuality and decency. All of your lies are the same, your broken promises are the same, and your path is the same; you'll never be clean.
You have finally lost all things that made you a special human being and you have become nothing more than a statistic. It is tiring watching you hurt those around you, watching you manipulate them, and watching you place the blame on anyone but yourself. You did this; you chose to take this road that you are on and as many chances as you've had to turn around, you continued to let your addiction pull you forward and now you're on your own.
You've fallen so far down into the life of addiction that you honestly probably can't be picked back up, and I really don't believe that you want to be. You can never take back the pain and worry that you've caused so many people. Your children will always see you as someone who didn't love them enough to just put the pipe down, or put the needle down or throw the pills away and walk away. You couldn't do that for them. Sadly, you let the drugs become a dictator in your life and you became their slave, and I wouldn't blame your children if they never forgave you. I hope you read this one day and you see how much everyone around you loved you; not the drug addict you, but the you when you had a name.