Let me begin this article with a few disclaimers: I think men are kind people. I am not a man-hater. I have a very kind boyfriend, several kind male friends, a very good father, a wonderful grandfather, and I know many other men in my life via family and friends who are kind people.

I generally believe that everyone should be kind to everyone else, but I’m also aware that there are bad people in the world—men and women—who don’t ascribe to that belief, and thus they mistreat others.

Still, for the most part, I think human beings want to be good to one another.

With that in mind, I can’t help but think that the creepy men who hit on women excessively might be a bit confused. In many cases, I am sure that they don’t mean to be threatening. I bet sometimes, they don’t know how frightened they can make us. You hear all the time in those videos about catcalling on the street—the perpetrators really think they’re doing us a favor. They think we’ll feel better about our day, or that they’re paying us a real compliment.

I’m sorry, gentlemen, but really, you’re not.

There comes a moment in most male-female, pursuant-pursued, interactions that clearly indicates how the pursuant should proceed. For example: my friends and I were at a bar (in London) and an older man came up to one of them while she was ordering her drink. He interrupted her order to ask her name, then proceeded to apologize for interrupting, tell her she had a great smile, and ask if she would come sit down with him and his friends at their table because one of them really liked her. At this point, she thanked him for his compliment and politely declined, explaining that she had a boyfriend, but appreciated the offer.

Now, here’s the very moment I was referring to. Right then, the man could have accepted her declination, wished her a good evening, and returned to his seat. She would have been left with a non-threatening compliment and could have carried on with her night.

Instead, unfortunately, he carried on. He said of course, she must have a boyfriend, she’s so good looking, but surely that wouldn’t stop her from coming to sit with his friends. She again declined, telling him that she was here with her own friends and we were all sitting together. He pressed again, saying that surely it would be fine if she joined them, and it took a third refusal for him to back off. We returned to our seats and were laughing off the whole situation when one of the other men from his table came to apologize for his friend’s pestering. We appreciated the gesture and were ready to move on with our night, until moments later the whole group of men moved tables to one nearest ours. While they didn’t approach us any more, it was definitely unnerving, having three pairs of strange eyes on us for the remainder of our evening.

Some may say that these men knew exactly what they were doing and how they were making us feel, that their intentions were bad and they had no regard for our thoughts on the matter. And those who think so may very well be right; I have very little insight into the deeper workings of men’s brains. In my opinion, though, it seems that they merely suffer from a single-mindedness that many people in the world are prone to, men and women—they wanted our attention, and they were prepared to do almost anything to get it.

What they either didn’t realize or didn’t care about, was that to us they were borderline-threatening.

Part of me thinks that this lack of understanding on men’s part is that they aren’t often threatened by the opposite sex. If a woman comes onto them and they aren’t interested, they simply decline, and either out of embarrassment, self-preservation, dignity or respect, most women back off immediately. Add in the fact that most women aren’t physically imposing or able to overtake most men, and voila, many of the men pursuing women haven’t ever felt threatened by someone hitting on them. Thus, they don’t understand the fear that bubbles up in your throat when a strange man approaches you and won’t leave you alone. Perhaps they feel entitled to women’s attention (which is another problem all together), but maybe they just don’t know that they can actually scare us.

So, men, the next time you plan on making a move on a lady, be it in a bar, at a party, or anywhere in public or private, be sure to consider her first response, and leave it at that.

If you’re ever worried about being accidentally creepy, a smile and some kind words without any expectations attached will never be misinterpreted.