Dear insecure and weakened 16-year-old me,
Please stop crying on the bathroom floor. Please stop apologizing for having true, human emotions. Please don't believe him when he calls you crazy. I know in this moment it may feel like the life is being sucked out from you...but you haven't even begun living yet. I know how impossible it felt trying to get over these episodes of arguments. Believe me, I remember how achingly painful and alone it was to be ignored by him. I wish I could pick you up and hug you until you're done shaking in tears. I know how much you would appreciate a hug in these moments...although it wouldn't satisfy because it wouldn't be him. But, Alison, one day you won't feel like you need him anymore, he won't even cross your mind. I know what you're thinking, I am actually crazy now. Think this instead: in the next 3 years, you will have beautiful and exciting things happen to you. You'll meet someone who respects you, you'll have a hundred sisters standing behind you, you'll land a once in a lifetime scholarship, and so much more along the way.
You are young and I am sorry this is our first experience of "love". But In this time you begin to learn so much about yourself. You learn that you deserve the utmost respect and nothing less. You will learn that love is not mediocre, so you shouldn't settle. You learn how to gain confidence so you can walk tall again. Just hold on there, once you hit rock bottom there is nowhere to go but up. I know, I know it hurts. When you're this age, one awful thing can make the world seem like it is ending. BUT HE IS NOT YOUR WORLD.
You need to understand that even though he doesn't hit you doesn't mean the relationship isn't toxic. He damages you emotionally and mentally which is just as bad as physical abuse. So, right now, please take the time to look around you. Outside that bathroom door is your younger sister who watches you cry yourself to sleep single every night. She will begin to think that this is love too...and get herself in the same situation one day. You will then know how painful it is to see someone you love belittle themselves for someone so below them. Alison, just a phone call away is your best friend since 8th grade. Who feels like he cannot help you whatsoever. You remember the best friend you are "not allowed" to hang out with. Even though he is gay, since he is a male, he is a threat.
But one day you will build up the courage to leave him and embrace who you are. One day you will meet someone who fits the standard of love. He will try just as hard as you do. He will look at you the way you look at him. He will make time for you even if that means losing a couple hours of sleep. Even the little things Alison. He doesn't care about whatever the fuck you want to wear. He will never make you feel like just an object. You will believe that you are beautiful, emotional, sane, smart, and lovable again.
So, Believe me when I say this love you think you know is not love. Love is not "you can't wear this" , "you can't talk to them", or "let me check your phone". Love is not a one-way street and love is not an ownership. Love is not just saying, "I love you" but the actions to prove it. Love is not crying on the bathroom floor.
With love,
Strong and Confident 19 year old you.
