For one reason or another, we broke it off. I'll be honest, losing you was a lot harder than other losses in some ways. It's weird to look back on all the amazing things that happened in 2018 and see you in the photos knowing that we don't talk anymore. Part of me wishes that we still did the fun stuff that we used to, but the other half understands that you did what you needed to do. But that doesn't make me not miss you.
Sometimes I think, and even hope, that we'll get back to where we were. Other times I realize that we just outgrew each other and that it's okay. Some people are meant to be there for one thing and not for another, but it's just odd to me. You were once a huge part of my life, and now you're just missing.
I'll be scrolling through my Snapchat memories or my photo roll and you'll be there. You're smiling and usually doing something hilarious, I was there smiling with you. But in between that, all the memories that aren't plastered on Instagram are what ultimately broke us.
There's an episode of Black Mirror where people literally block each other in real life and I thought it was absolutely crazy, but now I'm not so sure. Every memory of, photo with, and real-life encounter turned into a blurry figure when the person decided to block them in the show. I think it would have been easier if we could have done that, but then again it would probably hurt just as much because I still smile at every photo and memory.
I wish all the time that I could have been what you needed and wanted me to be. Maybe if I could have ditched my toxic tendencies quicker, you'd still be in my life. Maybe if I wouldn't have said this or that, you'd still be here. If I would have gone to that party that you wanted me to, or done things your way more, we'd still be friends.
Obviously, I didn't do those things. I'm sorry that I didn't. You deserved someone who would have and I'll never forget all the good (and bad) memories that we shared. And if you ever read this, just know that I wish you only good things and speak highly of you when people bring you up. I know now that it was my fault, and hope that you forgive me even if we never speak again.
So if anything, I hope you never let your anxiety control you. I hope you surround yourself with people who genuinely listen to you and value your ideas. I hope you do something crazy often. Don't let me or anyone else stop you or get in the way of everything you've always wanted. I'll love you always, and be cheering you on from afar.
Love, Emma/Bella/Bemma
