Dear customer,

Welcome to ______, my name is ______ and I’ll be your server today.

Let me start off by saying I am so happy you came in today and requested my six top for your party of two. It makes me so happy when you take up more space than you need, leaving me with fewer customers.

Oh, you want to sit in a different section? Sure you can sit in my section and order drinks, then decide you want to sit closer to the window in Anna’s section. I’ll just transfer the table to her and wave goodbye to that tip. And, by the way, feel free to interrupt me at any point when I am speaking, I’m not introducing myself or saying anything important to you anyway. So, if you want to order before I even say hello, GO RIGHT AHEAD.

I am here to be your servant. Anything you need, even if its not on the menu or even in the restaurant I will go out of my way to “just get it” for you. That is absolutely no problem, anything you need I am here. An extra cushion because the chairs are too hard, a different playlist because you’re not a fan of the song. You name it, I’ll do it, I mean server...servant, same thing right?

Kids? Not a problem, let them run around in the walkway. If they bump into me and spill all 12 drinks I am carrying, it's really not a big deal because I’m intruding on their play space anyway, right? The French fries they threw on the ground and stomped into the carpet are so easy to clean up while turning over tables and trying to keep up with the wait list. And when your kid takes a bite of his grilled cheese and doesn’t like it, I would be happy to bring it back and have him take 10 more minutes to decide what he wants instead, only for me to get yelled at by the kitchen staff for bringing back food for a stupid reason. Whatever your kid wants, your kid will get. Oh yes, I’ll take that burger off of your bill because you didn’t like it but you ate the whole thing!!! Not a problem! Oh and you want to separate checks when I bring the bill? Sure!! I remember every drink and appetizer and entrée each person had, sooooo not a hassle at all.

If I don’t walk by on the exact second you need something, feel free to ask any bus boy, food runner, or other server that walks by. I have only been gone for less than a minute but it seems like I have abandoned you, doesn’t it? My deepest apologies that I have more than one table to deal with at a time.

And finally, don’t worry about tipping me for the hard work and great service I provide you. I know if the kitchen messes up your order it’s my fault. I know if your food takes too long and the restaurant is full, it is my fault. And I understand that if you are a picky eater and don’t like the food…yup that’s my fault too. No, really, I don’t mind making $5 an hour and making a living off of your cheap-ass-crappy tip.

Thank you folks, have a great night!!!