My Dearest Friend,
What a whirlwind relationship we have had! I’d like to say that I remember our first encounter, but that would be alive. I believe that we started off counting to 10 and using building blocks to understand the basic concept of subtraction; oh how I miss those days. Those blocks have since been replaced with differential equations and scientific calculators that seem to think faster than I ever will. Though the material has changed, the one thing that unfortunately hasn’t is my lack of true understanding over you. I’ve been able to skate by and sate your desire for reasoning with half-attempts at completing proofs and performing extensive, handwritten calculations. Math, once we were on in the same but that time has passed, but can we ever get that back?
I used to know you; understand you. Back in the good ole days when recess was mandatory, you rarely exceeded the number 10 but when you did, it wasn’t hard to understand. Simple addition and subtraction were our “thing” and we were good at it. I had gotten to the point where I could help my friends acquire the same level of comprehension that I had the pleasure of achieving. We worked well together and my grades reflected it. But, third grade came knocking and with it came fractions. I couldn’t keep up and within the first week of its introduction, I was officially left behind. That was the beginning of the end for us. When fractions turned into decimals and multiplication and division became routine curriculum, you stopped making sense entirely. Mom, with all of her mathematical smarts couldn’t teach me how to multiply fractions or figure out long division so not only did our relationship suffer, my grades did as well. Even better, my confidence in my ability to comprehend you was totally diminished. I went from being the first one with my hand up to shrinking in my seat in the back of the class hoping that my teacher pitied me enough to forget I was there. They never did and I got to make a fool out of myself in front of everyone who developed the kind of bond with you I could only dream of. I had to sit and drown in seemingly nonsensical mathematical lectures while everyone else was riding your waves. It bothered me beyond belief that so early on I didn’t have a grip on what you were all about and I knew that you weren’t going to get any easier. What was even harder to swallow was that I wanted to pursue a career that required math but I killed that dream because I didn’t believe in myself enough to learn you.
This thought process of mine didn’t end in third grade and even now that I’ve graduated from high school, I still continue to crush any and every career dream of mine that needs the skill of math. Every now and again throughout the years, I would have a moment where things make sense and I try to capitalize on it before the moment is gone. Though I have remained a pessimist in regards to how I perceive you Math, I’m trying to hold on to the moments of clarity because I’m older now and I don’t want to lay my dreams to rest because I can’t seem to get on with you anymore. I have hopes and dreams and I know that I’ll need you to achieve almost all of them.
I know that each day with you is a learning process but I think that we’ll get back to the place we once were back all those years ago. Funny enough I’ve been helping my niece with her fourth grade math homework and I’m not too bad; this may not seem like much of an achievement but it’s one to me. Hopefully one day soon, I’ll have achievements worthy college-level math. Hopefully.
Forever Hopeless and Hopeful,
Sarah Shuler
