This goes without saying, but, I miss you. I miss you when I am surrounded by my friends or family and when I am completely alone. I miss you on the good days and the bad. I think I miss you more as time goes on because the fact that you are gone becomes more real. So many things have happened in the last year and a half and I wish I could tell you all about them.

Every once in awhile I find myself reaching for the phone to call you and fill you in or ask for advice. I know you are watching. I know you see me, living and laughing and crying. I know you’ve seen my wins and losses, but I just want to tell you, like I used to. I wish I could see you make faces or hear what you had to say. I wish I could hear you tell me it’s all going to be okay.

I graduated high school, had a 4.0 GPA my first semester of college, got accepted to and started school at St. John Fisher College this semester, and now I am able to have my writing published and shared every week. I know you have seen all of these things and I hope I have made you proud. You were always someone who encouraged and believed in my writing and I know you would be so glad to know I am doing something I love so much again.

Each time I have accomplished something new, each time I have stepped over a milestone in life, it has been bittersweet because I have wished so deeply that you were there to see it. I wish you of all people could see these things- the person who, ever since I was small, has been my role model, my biggest fan, and my best friend.

I know you haven’t turned a blind eye to the not-so-good times either. I know you have seen me struggle greatly through all of these accomplishments. You have watched me fall to my lowest, you have watched me bully myself, and you have watched me let my demons bully me. You have heard me sit in my room at night and physically cry and beg for your help. You have watched me take on this world with my bare hands and no idea of which direction to go in. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry because you helped raise me to be better than that, to be stronger than that.

Everyone falls, I know, but I am sorry for letting all of the things you taught me slip my mind – how to love myself, how to be strong, and how to get back up stronger than I was when I went down. Know that through these times I have never stopped looking for your messages. I have never stopped carrying you in my heart or wishing to feel your warmth and reassurance. I know that you would tell me that I didn’t need you, that I was strong enough to do it all on my own, but I do. I need you.

I want to say thank you, thank you for giving me an angel in disguise, one that has never given up on me. Thank you for finding a way to shake me by the shoulders and wake me up even though you are not here. Thank you for giving my heart the strength to own its faults, and the courage to try and fix them. Thank you for sending butterflies or the smiles of strangers when I need them most.

Thank you for reminding me that sometimes a bowl of ice cream can fix everything and for reminding me that when the ice cream cannot fix it, I can. Thank you for pointing me to my Mom. I have seen a lot of her in you lately. Thank you for finding a way to tell me that even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes, she needs me. I promise you I will take care of her, and I will let her take care of me.

Before I go, I need to ask you for a couple of favors. I know I probably don’t have a place to be asking, but you have always been one to make everything better, or at least make it seem okay until it got better on its own. There are a few people I need you to look out for and I know that you know exactly who I’m talking about. I know that you are capable of guiding them the way you have guided me, and I know that they need it, maybe even more than I do right now. I trust that you will hold them tight and help them heal. I need to ask you to keep looking out for me, too.

I am okay and I will be okay, but sometimes I slip and I forget my own strength. I need your love and guidance now more than ever. I need to be reminded that when I am feeling down, I can look at the stars and feel your presence.

I think about our phone calls, our sleepovers, and our day-long voyages across town quite often. This isn’t the last you will be hearing from me- our conversation is continuous and forever growing. In my dreams, the snow as it falls, or the lyrics of a song, I hope to see you real soon. I love you “so very much, xoxoxo,” Mima.

Your Granddaughter,