Well...

First semester of college is over.

It’s been tough. I'm not going to sugar coat it there: first semester has not been easy.

No one prepared me for how tough college would be--not mom and dad, not high school, not the nerdy academic competitions and pats on the back I've gotten from academic higher-ups over the years.

The caliber of work, paired with the time commitments I entered (by choice, of course), mixed in with the hefty distractions from the little bit of "freedom"... it's been a tough few months.

I had no idea that I didn't know the things I didn't know, and I had no idea I didn't know how to do the things I didn't know how to do... and sometimes I still don't. Often, actually. But that's part of growing up, isn't it?

I think the time that I finally sat down and realized that it was going to be tough was the moment I realized I'm fully capable of everything I intend to do here.

Sure, freshman year has been less than easy. Much less easy than I thought, or ever could’ve expected. But if we are paying this price, big or small, for my education, I don't want it to be easy-- I want to be challenged, and I want to struggle, because if I don't fail a few times while I'm still in the "nest," how the heck am I going to handle failure post-college?

How will I handle med school denial letters? Inconclusive research? Falling down when getting up seems miles in the distance?

I'm learning how to make mistakes, and how to make them gracefully. I'm not graceful yet, but we're getting there... or at least beginning to.

I'm excited, of course, to go home for Christmas. But at the same time, as coming to college was an adjustment, home is another adjustment I have to make, so please bear with me.

It's so strange trying to fit myself back into everyone's "new normal," and it's so hard setting aside this newfound independence to be gracious and caring for our family as a whole, in the ways I was before I left.

Picking back up responsibilities, accepting the word "no," being patient when I don’t have as much “me” time... little things that were normal to me that have become distant since leaving; they get to become normal again.

And I'm not, by any means, saying I consider college my "home." The day that I opened the GPS on my phone and saw it had transitioned from calling my real address "home" to “home” being the address of my dorm room, I cried for a good while.

But I realize now that technology's definition of home is based on relative frequency, and mine is based on solid memory and warm comfort.

So while you all continue the rest of your week, be it school, or work, I wanted to make sure you know that I appreciate every phone call, text message, email, Facebook post, and card in the mail that I've received in my four months away at school; the little reminders that there are so many of you on my team are what keep me sane.

But I also ask that you don't forget about me next semester, or next year, or for the next three years even...just because I seem comfortable, or I seem happy. The loneliness here is sometimes in excess, despite how I am almost never ever alone (I make sure of it), and the "we miss you" and "we love you"s never go to waste. There is an indefinite, unconditional, and immeasurable spot in my heart for family--each and every one of you-- that will never be able to be filled, no matter how sparkly things up here might seem sometimes.

I'm okay today, and I'll be okay tomorrow, but sometimes I'm not. And that's okay.

One of my favorite quotes is "It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay that way."

I’ve gotten a semester out of the way, and I’ve got about seven more to go. But it’s the little things, the baby steps... that's what makes it all worth it.