To The Boy That Broke My Heart,
I keep looking for you hoping and wishing that you were here. Every night before I fall asleep I look over at the side of the bed where you used to lay. Running my hands over the sheets where your body kept covered. Looking at the pillow where your perfect golden hair laid. Every night, remembering when you laid next to me, keeping me warm, bringing a warm, happy sensation deep in my soul.
But, you're not here now, and all I'm left with are the memories. The memories of you laying next to me, catching me staring at you, admiring every aspect of you, falling more in love with you every second. I would lay there until you fell asleep. You snored every night, even after you got your nose surgery, but it was cute. It was this cute, soft, little snore that got louder when you would lay your head back and quieter when you would lay your head on my chest. Oh, how I miss your snore now.
It hurts, ya know? Laying here every night thinking about you, wishing you were here, hurting because you're not. I think of the conversations that we had in my bed, late at night. We talked about life, our futures, what we wanted, our goals, fears, hopes, and dreams. We wanted the same things, two or three kids, have them play sports, both have business-related careers. But I guess none of that mattered to you...it was never enough for you.
I knew I was in love with you—so in love with you—but you didn't feel the same. I wasn't enough for you. I never will be enough for you. I hope that she is though. Even if it means that I am broken because of it. Every time I see a picture of you together, it feels like a thousand knives stabbing me repeatedly. It feels like my soul and heart are being ripped from my chest. I feel like I can't breathe and just want to break down every time. A piece of me breaks off and disappears into the abyss.
Every time I see you, or hear your voice, or see a picture of you. I can't stop the hurt. It creeps in like the darkness does every time when the day is over. I can't stop it, no matter how hard I try. Even when you're not in my life, you are still constantly hurting me, ripping me open and killing me slowly. Like someone being tortured. You are my personal torturer. If only it was a physical pain that you inflicted—that would be so much easier.
Yet, I learned so much from you and the heartbreak you caused. I learned what it is truly like to love someone so deeply that it consumes you. You taught me how I did not want to be treated and how I don't deserve to question every day if I am enough, because I am.
When you left I felt like I couldn't go on, like my whole world had stopped and was imploding upon itself, and I was wishing that I had never even met you. But I got up off of the bathroom floor, dried my tears, and told myself that you aren't worth it, that you would no longer have that kind of power over me. It took me a while to believe that you were not worth all the tears and heartache, but I believe it now.
No matter how much I loved you, I will never allow you back in my life. You don't deserve me. You cheated, lied, and manipulated me for eight months of my life. You were toxic. I guess when you said that you didn't want a relationship, you just meant that you didn't want a relationship with me.
This is my final goodbye. Thank you for allowing me to love you, be in your life, and for teaching me so much. I hope that you are happy with your relationship now. I am sorry that we didn't work out, and I am sorry that you lost someone that loved you so much and so deeply. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world, even if you don't deserve it. She will never be able to love you as I did.
From,
The Girl Who Loved You Most
