A Letter To An Ex Best Friend

A Letter To The Best Friend Who Walked Out Of My Life But Didn't Crush Me

I'll always have a place in my heart for you, as you were always there for me. But I will not wait around for you.

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I haven't had the best of luck when it comes to making friends. My mom can attest to that. In middle school and high school, I never really found my crowd. I managed to get by with a few friends cherry-picked from different "groups" in high school.

But friendships were definitely not a highlight of high school for me.

I let others take advantage of me, and I became the mom of everyone. I also did not party or go out on the weekends, which made making friends even harder. Due to my neverending dance schedule, partying was low on my list of priorities.

I knew when I declared the university I would go to that my high school ways needed to stay in the past.

So when I finally moved in, I looked forward to meeting new friends. I left my door open at all times, hoping that someone — just one person — would pop in and say hi. I introduced myself to everyone I could, just trying to be different and outgoing. By doing this, I met my closest friends in college, especially one who I vowed would be in my wedding someday. Or so I thought.

She was my best friend during my second semester of freshman year, and she was there for every moment, good or bad. From the time I had my appendix out and needed help washing my hair because I couldn't get my stitches wet to our 11 p.m. sonic runs for milkshakes and french fries, she was always there.

I could be myself around her, and personally, that mattered to me the most.

She was the person I could dance in my short shorts with like a complete idiot and not feel self-conscious. I was able to be my goofy self, the self people typically did not know about. She could tell when I was upset, mad, happy, tired, hungry or just missing home.

She knew me like the back of her hand.

She knew that I loved my easy mac cooked for exactly the three minutes and thirty seconds the packaging suggests it should be cooked for. She knew that I had a certain playlist just for singing in the shower. She could tell when I needed to nap and even knew if I should be woken up to get assignments done.

She could just look at me and read my mind.

Yes, we had our ups and downs. I can tell you right now, dealing with me is not easy. But we still loved each other.

Going into the summer, I decided I was not going to go back in the fall. I needed to take a break. Although this devastated me, I knew that eventually I would return to school and we would be around the corner from each other yet again.

I did not think that this was going to stop us from being as close as we were.

As time would tell, our friendship proved me wrong. Just like the many friendships I experienced in high school, it felt like it was over before it even really got the chance to start.

This isn't the first time that a person I thought would be in my wedding party left me in the wind, so I should not have been shocked as some might think I would have been.

I had intentions of being strong and not letting her know that I was upset. I'd only lost another best friend — by now I should be used to it, right? But just like it would for any other human, it stings just as badly as it did when I lost my first "friend" back in grade school.

So "best friend," I want you to know that your leaving me behind did not crush me.

Yes, I had a cry sesh. I cried because I was hurt and entitled to hurt, but I picked myself up and kept being the girl boss that I am. I am not mad. How can I be? There's no reason I should be mad. We drifted apart, and I cannot blame you entirely for that.

Yes, I'm disappointed that our friendship has ended, but it has not stopped me from living my life.

I do not hate you, and I never could.

We have had the best memories together, and I will cherish the good times. The times when I rolled around on the floor, singing and dancing, will always be stored somewhere special. The time when you held my hand in the emergency room while I was petrified about my upcoming surgery will always be cherished.

Yes, I do miss you every day, but every day I miss you less and less.

And I know that sounds so harsh.

How can I say that I miss someone who was always there? Well, I do, less and less with each waking minute. Honestly, it's reality.

I'll always have a place in my heart for you, as you were always there for me. But I will not wait around for you.

One day, you might decide that our friendship is something that you want to salvage. When that day comes just know - that time came and went a long time ago.

I still care about you and wish you all the best, but that is just what being an adult entails.

I cannot hold grudges all my life. Those who hold grudges are setting themselves up for a life filled with sadness and emotional exhaustion. So, I won't hold a grudge against you, as those high school ways stayed in high school.

Instead, I'll forgive you from a distance.

I wish that our friendship did not end like this, but the world has plan for everyone. I guess this is its plan for us.

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it

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Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

Cover Image Credit: wordpress.com

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To My Best Friend Of 15 Years

You are my person.

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To my person,

I will never forget the first day that we met. It was the first day of preschool and my mom had just dropped me off. As I started to walk into the classroom I noticed that you were sitting alone on the floor crying. Not sure what to do, I went over to you and asked if you wanted to go play. Your face immediately lit up as we walked into the classroom and in that moment I knew that you would become my best friend. Ever since that day we've been attached by the hip and I wouldn't want it any other way.

April Roberson

Our friendship is the one true relationship that I can count on and for that I am forever grateful. This friendship of ours goes beyond our laughs and lake days. It's real. Through blood, sweat, and tears you've always been right by my side no matter what. You pick me up when I am drowning in pain. You cheer for me even when my ego is a little too high. You love me even when you should hate me. But, most importantly, you stand by me.

Our friendship is the perfect example of trust. You taught me that the right people can be trusted and will not betray you. No matter how dark the secret or how crazy the adventure, you never speak a word about me to anyone. You care about protecting my heart from the awful things in this world and when I am broken you are always there to pick up the pieces no matter how long it takes them to heal.

April Roberson

Our friendship has been a lifetime of happiness with a little bit of spunk. Not only do you encourage my crazy adventures, but you're always right by my side for each one. You keep life exciting and you make it easy. You are a true gift from God and I feel completely indebted to you for the role that you've played in my life. Our friendship is so special because it's full of our tremendous amounts of giving, sharing, and most importantly, love. There's not a day that goes by when I don't feel overwhelmingly thankful to have you by my side doing life with me.

So thank you, to my person. Thank you for always showing up for every little thing and making life so much better. Thank you for being my adventure inspiration and my lifelong travel buddy. Thank you for loving me unconditionally through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lastly, thank you for being the one person that I can forever count on in this life time. I love you with my whole heart and I wouldn't want to do life with anyone else. You are my person.

Love,

Me

April Roberson

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